


The Spoilers Awaken: A Reylo Parody Smutfest 2016

by FelixAzrael



Series: The Reylo Crack Collection [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Bikini8, Breaking the Fourth Wall, ChromePilot, Doggy Style, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Choking, Force Ghosts, Force Lightning, Gingerbuns, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Lush Leia, Lush Luke, Mask Sex, Masturbation, MazBacca, Missionary Position, Oral Sex, Pablo H, R2-PO, Renperor, Shower Sex, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Twi'Lando, Twi'Luke, Underwater Sex, Wall Sex, Woman on Top, breath play
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 13:36:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 19,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6909559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FelixAzrael/pseuds/FelixAzrael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the debunking and spoilers roll in, some in our favor and others not so much, let's lighten up the mood in our fandom and celebrate our Renperor and his Rey of Light the best way we know how - with smut! First few chapters have off screen sex, but smut is coming.</p><p>Feel free to PM me links to spoilers and I will make an effort to give each and every one a smut treatment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. RIP Rey Skywalker

**Author's Note:**

> First cums the Rey  
> Then cums the Kylo  
> After the fucking  
> Shines through the Big O  
> The difference, they say,  
> Is only made right  
> By the sating of desire  
> Shipping Darkness with Light  
> \- Journal of the Reylos

Chapter 1: RIP Rey Skywalker

 

She extended Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, a plea in her eyes for the galaxy’s only hope. The aged Master gaped back at her, his six years on the island without human interaction having apparently rendered him a mouth breather.

 

“Rey,” he finally spoke as he walked toward her. He extended his mechanical hand and placed it comfortingly atop her own. “There’s something I must tell you.”

 

The pair felt a strange tension in the Force surrounding them as they engaged in an unnecessarily dramatic pregnant pause.

 

Finally, the wizened, hobo-ish Jedi Master spoke. “I am not your father.”

 

They both shuddered as a chill gust hit them and a sudden hollow feeling encased their chests.

 

“I feel a great disturbance in the Force,” said Luke. “As if millions of headcanons suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

 

So as not to appear terribly tacky, Rey spent a moment in reverent silence herself before piping up. “Soooo… We’re not related?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“I mean, like, I’m not even Vader’s clone? Or Shmi’s? Or Padme’s?”

 

“No...”

 

“Reincarnation?”

 

“What? No. That’s just dumb.”

 

Rey stared at him for a moment then placed the lightsaber in his mechanical hand and turned away. “I’ll be back. Gimme about thirty minutes.”

 

Luke, his jaw still slack, watched her walk toward the steps that had led her to the top of his island.

 

She turned back around. “What happens if you amplify the power on lightsabers?”

 

Luke blinked. “Well, it makes them more powerful obviously. But it can also make them somewhat unstable. You’ll know you’ve reached your stopping point when the saber begins vibrat--”

 

“That’s what I thought.” She swiped the saber out of his hands and sped away down the stone steps.

 

For the next thirty minutes Luke heard all manner of moans, grunts, gasps, and obscenities. At one point he could have sworn he heard the phrase, “You love it when I ride that scar, don’t you, you dirty monstah?” But perhaps he needed to clean his aging ears out. Finally, after a last scream and a muffled “Ky--*mumble*” Rey came ambling back up the steps, her hair a bit out of place and her backside covered in sand and grass.

 

After an awkward pause in which neither looked at one another, Luke broke the silence. “So uh, mind if I have my family lightsaber back?”

 

“Oh I think I’d uh probably better give it a good cleaning first. You know, space dust and all.”

 

“Rats,” Luke scowled.

 

Suddenly a violent looking black storm began to roll in. Lightening flashed. Thunder crashed. A bombastic trumpet blared, followed by a woodwind trill worthy of moustache twirlers and white cat petters as a V shaped black ship broke the atmosphere.

 

Luke’s eyes narrowed as he looked up at the darkening sky. “Kylo is coming.”

  
“He will be,” Rey raised a finely arched brow and muttered to herself. “He will be.”


	2. Finn Zoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe helps Finn face the truth.

Chapter 2: Finn Zoned

 

The new chick was hot. And she laughed at all his over the top goofball jokes. And she wasn’t mean to him just because he didn’t know which tools were which. And she liked it, yes  _ liked it _ , when he took her hand. Finn almost couldn’t believe his luck when, about forty five minutes after he’d sworn he’d seen giant yellow letters floating up in the starry night sky, and after his thrilling space horse chase through Space Las Vegas, he chivalrously helped her down from the space horse and she planted a kiss on him. 

 

Little did he know the double-crossing minx was soon to betray both he and Poe to the First Order. They sat opposite each other in their prison cell, Poe running his fingers through his own curly locks, Finn looking dejectedly at the hard floor.

 

Finn sighed. “I just should’ve known better. She was too good to be true. Women, right?”

 

Poe gave his friend a querulous look. “Uh-- yeah, yeah. Women. Right.”

 

“You know what, I should have been waiting for Rey anyway. How could I have been so stupid? Aw, she’s probably off training to be a Jedi, can’t stop thinking about coming back to me while she meditates.”

 

Poe raised a brow. “Mm… Hate to break this to you pal, but I’m pretty sure you got friend zoned.”

 

“What? Nah, man! She was totally into me! She looked at me like no one else ever had.”

 

“Listen pal, I dunno what happened between that look and you getting knocked unconscious. I mean who knows? Maybe some dangerous, raven-haired, Lord Byron looking bad boy swept her off her feet in an enchanted forest and bridal carried her over the threshold of his ship. These things can happen. But she kissed your forehead and then left.”

 

“She kissed my forehead?! That does mean she wants me!”

 

Poe didn’t have to comment. The pitiful look he gave his friend said,  _ Welcome to Denialville. Population: You _ .

 

They both shuddered as a sudden chill hit them, but as soon as it hit them it passed.

 

“Well, this just blows,” said Finn, slumping sadly down in their cell. 

  
Poe sidled up to his buddy, placing a comforting arm around his shoulder. “You know... we’ve got a lot of time to kill. And you know what they say about prison. Sooo… You cum first? I cum first?”


	3. Kylo is Coming: Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The teasing continues. PG-13, but full on depraved smut is promised in Chapter 4.

Chapter 3: Kylo is Coming

 

A chill gust and hollow feeling hit the Jedi Master and his would-be apprentice.

 

“What the hell is that?” asked Rey.

 

“More headcanon,” Luke answered.

 

The two Lightsiders watched as Kylo’s foreboding ship, followed closely by a second ship, landed on the island to the tune of a bombastic trumpet section.

 

“The dangerous dreamboat has arrived,” Luke said gravely. “Rey, you must kill him.”

 

“Ha!” She laughed aloud. “Not a tauntaun’s chance on Mustafar until he makes good on the scenes he’s been pumping to my head. No, I must face him. Alone.”

 

Luke raised a confused brow. “Are you sure? He is a rather powerful Darksider, Rey. I could help if you--”

 

“Nope! Alone.”

 

The sky grew completely dark and rain dumped down on them. Rey strode off toward Kylo, leaving Luke to meet the second ship.

 

“Ren!” She yelled.

 

Lightning flashed as he turned, revealing the scar she’d given him standing out boldly against his pale skin.

 

“Scavenger. I've been waiting for this day for a long time.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “Just like I was the girl you’d heard ‘so much’ about? Cut the dramatics, Ren. It's been two weeks.”

 

“You know what I’ve come for. I’m going to fuck you so well no other man will ever satisfy you again! I’ll make you so raw you can’t walk straight for a week but you’ll still beg for my tongue!”

 

“Big talk!” She shouted back.

 

He sneered. “That pussy -- it belongs to me!”

 

“Come and get it!” She ignited the legacy saber, ready for the flurry of red twirls that lit the air.

 

***

 

“Dave, remind me why we’re here,” one Knight of Ren said to another as they de-boarded their ship.

 

“Backup, Kevin. In case twinkle toes starts thinking with his dick again.”

 

“What?” Dave laughed. “Are you kidding me?”

 

“Not even a little bit, dude. I’ll tell you about it after we kick these two Jedi’s asses.”

 

“Oh I can’t wait,” said Dave.

 

As the Knights made their way up the steps they were halted by a figure. It was Luke Skywalker. He had disrobed and wore a pair of black sunglasses even though it was dark and raining.

 

“Here I am, bitches! Luke motherfucking Skywalker, about to kick some motherfucking ass for mah fanboys!” With that, Luke made a Morpheus-style four fingered come hither motion then ignited his green saber.

 

The Knights, rather stupidly, advanced on him one by one rather than taking him all at once, so of course the old Jedi kicked their asses.

 

Dave and Kevin, each with gaping lightsaber wounds through the guts, lay side by side amongst the rocks facing one another as the rain continued to pour.

 

“Kevin,” Dave creaked out.

 

“Yeah, Dave?” Kevin whispered.

 

“Before we die, I just wanted you to know that I truly, deeply loved henching with you.”

 

A beatific smile lit Kevin’s face. “Me too, Dave. And you know what else?”

 

“Yes, Kevin?”

 

“Remember that bit about our Master thinking with his dick?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Kylo Ren is going to fuck that scavenger girl senseless.”

 

Dave smiled. “May the Force be with him.”

 

“May the Force be with him.”

 

And with that the two henchmen died happy.

 

Surveying his handiwork, Luke walked casually toward the cliff. “And now for my naughty nephew.”

 

***

 

Kylo pursued Rey along the cliff’s edge, and although she put up a good fight, his anger and lust fueled his fury of blows that kept her pushed steadily closer to the edge. He pushed his saber against hers, just as he had on Starkiller Base, forcing her once again to a position in which he could easily push her over the edge.

 

“Rey!” He yelled, lightning flashing in his fiery eyes as the colors of their blades danced across their faces. “You still need a teacher!”

 

“Oh! Not this again!” She yelled back.

 

He steeled himself and prayed Phasma was right about this one.

 

“I can show you my ten inch dick!”

 

Rey’s eyes widened, then she fainted, falling backward off the cliff toward the tumultuous sea below.

 

Kylo thought he caught a glimpse of his crazy old hermit uncle in sunglasses in his peripheral vision. But he barely had time to think  _ What the fuck? _ before he immediately swan dove off the cliff’s edge after Rey.

 

Rey plunged into the water, the ice cold immediately waking her, and she began to panic. As many skills as her critics had used to accuse her of being a Mary Sue with, the fact was as a desert rat she had never learned to swim. She sank down into the black depths, her lungs screaming in agony. Just when her vision began to blur and darken, she felt a pair of arms encase her and pull her quickly upward.

 

The two gasped as they surfaced, Ren pulling her toward a cave in the rocky cliff, using the Force but struggling against the tumultuous waves that crashed around them. When he finally got them both inside the cave, they lay panting for a long while. Finally, he got to his feet and set to work. Reaching into his utility belt, he retrieved a fire starting kit and set it up in the middle of the cave. Rey soon joined him and they sat across from each other warming themselves.

 

“We’ll need to remove our wet clothes so we don’t freeze to death.”

 

She approached him, meeting his eyes as she gingerly removed his cape and cowl. He returned the favor, peeling away her shirt to reveal wrapped breasts and a taut belly. He sucked a breath in in reverence. She continued peeling his layers off one by one, him helping with buttons and clasps when needed so that she revealed his scarred, lightly muscled chest and arms. He removed her boots and pants, drinking in her small, lithe body. His own boots and pants came next, and he reached into his utility belt again, retrieving a tightly folded thin blanket that he laid on the cave floor. Keeping his eyes locked with hers, he guided her back to the blanket and hovered over her. 

 

After a long moment of roving over each other’s bodies, drinking each other in, he broke the silence with a hushed voice, whispering just above her soft lips. “We’ll need to make skin to skin contact to keep warm.”

 

“Ben--” she breathed.

 

He put a hand to her lips and his devilish eyes flashed. “Not that name. Not yet. Not until we’ve thoroughly debauched ourselves as Kylo Ren and Rey.”

  
With that, he leaned in and captured her perfect mouth with his.


	4. AshGate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo brings Rey aboard Starkiller Base 2; She spies something amiss in his quarters. Let the full-on smutfest begin!
> 
> Yummy, 100% consensual switch!Kylo and switch!Rey battling for dominance, as they do, and loving it no matter which position they're in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently my chapters won't necessarily be in chronological order. Kylo is Coming Part II went to the back burner as I found myself particularly enjoying writing this sequence. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. ;)  
> \- Felix

Chapter 4: AshGate

 

Ren bridal carried Rey toward his quarters, their eyes locked and the pair of them giggling as two very confused Stormtroopers cut each other looks then pointedly looked away, apparently deciding it was best just to move along.

 

“I’m going to lick you from your toes to your tits.”

 

“Oo, Master Ren. What else?”

 

“Why, then I’m going to bend you over in front of a mirror so you can watch me fuck that sweet pussy in the manliest of fashions.”

 

They entered Kylo and Hux’s shared suite, and he watched as Rey’s eyes caught something.

 

“What are those?” Rey frowned.

 

He made a mental note to choke his slimy sycophant of a roommate. Leaving the ashes of their enemies out in the open. The ginger jackass could have at least hidden them under the bed.

 

“Oh nothing, just ignore them, love.”

 

“No really, Ren, what are they?”

 

“They’re not what they-- okay, they’re exactly what they look like. They’re the ashes of my enemies. And Hux’s cat uses them as a litterbox sometimes.” Ren braced for her reaction.

 

A spark came into Rey’s gorgeous hazel eyes and a wicked grin played at her lips. “Let’s dump them in the Nazi’s underwear drawer.”

***

 

Hux blinked. Then frowned. Then blinked again.

 

There was a sock tied to he and his eccentric co-worker’s doorknob. So long as he and Ren had been quartered together, Ren had  _ never _ tied a sock on the doorknob. This meant one thing and one thing only.

 

“The  _ girl _ ,” Hux sneered.

 

Suddenly, he heard the sound of slapping flesh and moaning voices through the hatch.

 

“I knew when I found you that you wanted it this way.”

 

“Found me where?”

 

“In the forest. Walking alone.”

 

“Oh yeah, the forest.”

 

“You were a scavenger and you were only 19.

 

“Oh yes, my big bad creatcha in a mask.”

 

“You’re a dirty little Jedi and I’m gonna send you back to your Master covered in cum.”

 

“Oh no, don’t do that! He’ll be so angry!”

 

“Perhaps I should just leave you tied to Hux’s bunk so you can drip my cum all over his sheets.”

 

“Well, I--!” Hux gasped, scandalized. He about faced and marched straight for the Supreme Leader’s chamber.

 

***

 

“But they’re doing it on  _ my _ bed! I’ll have to burn the damned sheets!” Hux screeched.

 

Snoke put his face in his hand and sighed. “How is this my issue, General?”

 

“You mean to tell me you don’t care that Kylo Ren is fucking the Jedi slut, the enemy? At our base?!”

 

“General, you have to admit we've suffered far less, erm, collateral damage and loss of man hours since he's been getting laid.”

 

“But what about my  _ sheets _ !” Hux shrieked.

 

“General, you two are just going to have to learn to get along and share your space, as we've discussed before,” Snoke paused. “I don't need to get your get along shirt again, do I?”

 

Hux glared then muttered, “No.”

 

“Good. Now go do something productive. I'd suggest hitting the First Order Exchange and getting some new bedsheets first thing.”

 

Hux didn't bother with a reply. He left the chamber with as much dignity as he could possibly muster.

 

***

 

Ren guided Rey atop his bare lap, his erection sliding against her already slick folds, teasing her with his thick head.

 

“This view will never get old,” she said, greedily drinking in his nude form beneath her. “All mine.”

 

“You know you can take whatever you want,” he rasped.

 

“Perhaps I will.” She slowly, painstakingly slid down engulfing him inch by inch.

 

“Rey,” he groaned, relishing the way her tightness squeezed him.

 

She began to swivel her hips, rotating so he hit all her sensitive spots.

 

He reached up to grasp her small tits, his squeezing inciting her to ride him harder.

 

“Rey, fuck yes! Ride my cock, you gorgeous--”

 

She squeezed his cheeks with her fingers on one side and thumb on the other, forcing his mouth open so she could spit inside his mouth. The domineering act of marking him made his cock twitch and throb inside her, and after he eagerly swallowed her spit a smile spread over his face.

 

“Did you like that, Darksider?”

 

“I loved it,” he breathed.

 

“Because I own you. You like being owned by me,” she placed her hands on his chest and bore down on his cock, causing herself to cry out in delight. “Because you’re my dirty fucking whore!”

 

“Careful,” he warned. “Don’t get too mean or I might bite back.”

 

“Oh but you are, you monstah. You’re my dirty, filthy--oo!”

 

Her body shivered and quaked; his shit-eating grin told her he’d used Force Lightning. She trembled in pleasure as the small jolts travelled up and down her spine, tendrils of electricity crackling as he ran one set of fingertips over her nipples and the other over her sensitive clit.

 

“K-kylo.” She looked into his dark eyes, alight with wicked pleasure as she came, gushing on his thick cock.

 

“That’s right, beautiful. Let it out. Let everyone hear how much pleasure I give you.”

 

She screamed as her pussy continued to clench and seize, riding out the wave as he slowed their fucking back down to a sensual, leisurely rhythm.

 

He flipped them so she was on her belly, pinning her wrists with one hand and using the other to guide his cock back inside her dripping cunt. They both gasped as he filled her again, then he moved his hand to grab a fistful of her thick brown hair, bringing it up to breathe in her scent before tugging it just enough to cause her to moan. He pressed his body weight against hers, pinning her to the mattress, and leaned in to growl against her ear, “Do you want my cum inside you?”

 

She had barely turned her head and whispered, “Oh yes, Kylo” when he seized her lips with his and began thrusting furiously into her drenched folds, ferociously fucking her into the mattress, both their screams of pleasure reverberating through the passageways of the base. She shoved a hand under her body to play with her still-sensitive clit, and when her fingers touched his hot cock thrusting in and out of her sex, they both toppled over the edge, her pussy clenching around him once more as he filled her with thick ribbons of cum. 

 

He collapsed on top of her, both of them panting for a long while as his fingers interlaced with hers and gave her hands a weak, sated squeeze. Finally, he turned them to their sides and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in the crook of her neck. 

 

Neither needed to say “I love you.” They could feel the emotion swirling thickly around them as they drifted to sleep.

 

***

 

No one on Starkiller Base 2 could quite put their finger on what had gotten into their Mission Commander of late. True enough, he was a bit eccentric, his penchant for talking about philosophy while stargazing somewhat uncomfortable for the average Stormtrooper, and he had an undeniable flare for the dramatic with his Death costuming and unapologetically phallic saber. But lately he had been even more strange than usual. 

 

Today he practically pranced through the passageways, and one Trooper swore he heard Ren whistling “I've got a Golden Ticket”.

 

“How's that family, TK-421? Little Timmy? Have his grades gone up? JB-007! My man! You game for putting together that petty officers barbeque we talked about? You know how I love a good brisket. Mitaka!”

 

The dark-haired officer squeaked and tried to scurry away but Ren wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close.

 

“Listen Mitaka, I really feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I was in a bad place in life. But I want you feel like you can always come to me -- with anything.”

 

“Ok-k-kay.” Mitaka’s teeth chattered.

 

Kylo clapped him on the back. “Good man.”

 

Kylo’s excited eyes went soft and dreamy as his Rey of Light sauntered up to him, her face aglow. He pulled her into his arms and beamed down at her.

 

“I love you, scavenger.”

 

“I know, monstah.”

 

“I'm going to retch,” said Hux.

 

“You know what? It's a beautiful Tuesday morning and I'm a man in love. 24 -- no! 48 hour liberty for all personnel!” shouted Kylo.

 

The surrounding Stormtroopers simply stared.

 

“Well,” said Rey. “Don't everybody thank me at once.”

 

***

 

“Meow?”

 

“Millicent?”

 

“Meow!”

 

“Millicent! Precious! Don’t be afraid, Daddy is here!”

 

“Meow!”

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll find-- Oh Millicent! How could they?!”

 

“MEOW!”

 

Millicent crouched, shivering in a corner of Hux’s dresser drawer, covered in ashes.

  
“That’s it, Precious!” Hux cried, clutching Millicent to his chest. “We’re moving!”


	5. Kylo is Coming: Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're not done yet."
> 
> Kylo finishes what he started in the Ahch-To cave. This one is pure love, light, and saccharine lovemaking, a slight departure from our bawdy, raucous tone. Hux would throw up in his mouth. Consider yourself fairly warned.

  1. Kylo is Coming: Part II



He put a hand to her lips and his devilish eyes flashed. “Not that name. Not yet. Not until we’ve thoroughly debauched ourselves as Kylo Ren and Rey.” 

 

With that, he leaned in and captured her perfect mouth with his, their tongues battling for dominance and eliciting a moan as she nipped his lower lip. They broke away, panting against each other.

 

“Master Ren,” she breathed. “What are you going to do? Tie me up? Call me filthy names?”

 

“Much worse,” he intoned. “I'm going to destroy the last of that insidious fan headcanon by making sweet, passionate, consensual love to you, scavenger. And together, our beautiful fucking shall bring balance to the Force.”

 

“Take me, Kylo,” she gasped. “I'm yours.”

 

He pressed feather light kisses across her lips, over her jawline, down her neck and collarbones, then he gingerly removed the band around her breasts, sucking in a breath of approval. After a moment of gazing at her in awe sucked gently on her pink nipples and teased them with his teeth. She gasped and mewled at his tender attention, weaving her fingers through his thick black waves. His arousal was amplified when he felt a wave of her own hit him through their bond. But there was something else - hesitancy… mild embarrassment… worry… he continued following the trail…

 

He paused his suckling to meet her eyes. “They’re perfect.” Then he roved from the breasts she worried over to the rest of her lithe body. “You’re perfect.”

 

He kissed down her taut belly over her hipbones, hooking his fingers around the edges of her panties. “Someday I’m just going to push these to the side and take you.” He allowed himself a devilish smile when he felt her pussy respond through their connection and made a mental note to do this as soon as possible. But for this first time, he simply slid her panties down and tossed them aside, then grasped her thighs and spread her legs wide, pushing her legs up by her chest. Fuck, she was beautiful.

 

“Perfect,” he whispered again, reverently.

 

Her breathing slowed to a near stop, her heart hammering in her chest. She wanted him more than anything, had wanted him since he’d taken off that damn mask, even if she hadn’t wanted to admit it then.

 

He moved his face close to her sex, breathing in deeply and moaning in approval before breathing hot air against her sensitive lips and clit. The tip of his nose and lips barely brushed against her already moist sex.

 

“Kylo,” she whined. “Please touch me.”

 

“But I already am touching you.”

 

“More. Oh more, please.”

 

“Like this?” He ran his tongue against along her slit, swirling around her clit before removing contact.

 

“Oh Force!” Rey gasped. “Oh yes!”

 

“You want more?”

 

“Yes! Yes! Please Kylo.”

 

He met her eyes again before plunging his tongue deep between her folds, lapping eagerly as she entwined her fingers in his thick waves and pulled his face tightly against her aching pussy, moaning at the sensations. When she was sufficiently wet, he added first one finger then a second, curling them in a come-hither motion to hit a place within her she didn’t know existed.

 

“Kylo!” Her voice took on a higher pitch and her legs trembled and shook.

 

He grinned against her pussy, never ceasing his ravenous assault as her cries echoed through the cave. He felt the beginnings of her spasms and began shaking his fingers rapidly, rubbing her G-spot feverishly as he lapped at her clit. Her legs wrapped around his head and both her hands found fists full of hair as she fucked his face, screaming her release. Her entire body trembled and shook as he continued lapping at her sensitive clit.

 

“St-st-stop!” she panted and convulsed, finally Force pushing him away from her overstimulated cunt.

 

He chuckled darkly as he crawled on all fours back over her trembling body that was still reeling from what he’d done.

 

“Wha--” she began. “What was that?”

 

“That, my love, was a full body orgasm.” He looked her hungrily over, making sure she noticed how much he appreciated the view before locking eyes with her again.

 

“I’m going to take you, Rey,” he said quietly, deeply. “Are you ready?”

 

She nodded.

 

He slid a hand beneath her neck, adjusting her head so she could watch as he lined his large, swollen member up with her dripping slit. He felt a tremor of anxiety and looked up at her eyes.

 

“Don’t be afraid,” he told her. He slowly filled her, pausing each time she gasped, giving her time to accommodate him. It felt almost sacred, watching her gasp with each small movement inside her but still keep her eyes trained on their sexes with anticipation of having him fill her to the brim. Knowing she longed to feel every part of him surrounding her and within her made his heart swell with pride and excitement. He closed his eyes involuntarily when he’d sunk all the way in, groaning at the sensation of her tight pussy squeezing him.

 

He rested on his forearms and brought a hand to her cheek, caressing his fingertips from her temple to her chin. Then, sliding his hand over her body down to her hip, he began a slow, rhythmic grinding, undulating his hips to hit her most sensitive spots yet again. He slid his hand from her hip to press her leg toward her chest, making it easier to slide in and out of her as he picked up the pace.

 

Her delicious moans and garbled cries of pleasure urged him forward, so he moved both of her legs to his shoulders, thrusting all of himself into her at a relentless speed. He felt her second orgasm building through their connection, he walls tightening and her abdomen squeezing, preparing to come undone. Just the thought of her coming again nearly sent him over the edge, but he held back.

 

“Cum for me, beautiful” he told her, and watched carefully as she pulled his hips tightly against her and screamed in pleasure, her walls tightening around him. Being squeezed and pulled combined with her rapture finally sent him over the edge. “Look at me, Rey,” he commanded.

 

She met his eyes, fiery and intense as he groaned his release inside her, filling her with spurts of his hot cum as he gasped out her name. As he finished he let his full weight rest on top of her, pinning her possessively to the cave floor. 

 

She wrapped her arms around his waist and ran her fingers over his back, eliciting a shiver and appreciative groan from him as he nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck. He kissed neck all the way up to her ear and whispered, “I love you, Rey.”

 

She whispered, “I love you Kylo” back and smiled against his hair.

 

After a while he reached for his utility belt and retrieved a second thin blanket to pull over them. He rolled them to their sides face to face and covered them, then took her hand in his and kissed each of her fingers. She smiled in response, nuzzling into his chest and breathing in his masculine scent.

  
A small chill filled their senses, but as quickly as it arrived it vanished, pushed away by the triumphant collective cheer of those who’d been rooting for the lovers. Then, all at once, a warm serenity washed over them. The Force was balanced once more.


	6. Kylo and Rey Sitting in a TreeGate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their lovemaking, our lovebirds continue their sacred cow killing debauchery.

  1. Kylo and Rey Sitting in a TreeGate



 

Rey and Kylo giggled and stole little pecks from each other's lips while they walked back from the cave. The sun now shined triumphantly down on them, having chased the storm away, and flowers sprang from the ground wherever the pair walked. As they approached the First Jedi Temple, they saw a distinct and familiar looking white tree.

 

“Hey! That’s the tree from my Force vision back in Maz’s castle,” said Rey. “I wonder what it means…”

 

Kylo caught her in his arms, looking deeply into her pixie-ish hazel eyes. “Rey, my pet. What that tree means remains to be seen, but I know one thing. I want to make every last keyboard social justice warrior who squawked about the tree on Starkiller Base clutch their children and run screaming from the theater in abject terror,” he rasped, his eyes wild as they had been when he’d once told her he could take whatever he wanted.

 

“Well then,” she said. “We’re pretty much obligated, aren’t we?”

 

“I'm starting to think whatever depraved person is writing this just wants to see us fuck in as many positions and precarious situations as possible,” he commented.

 

“Yes, but do we really mind?”

 

He grinned. “Not one iota.”

 

He lifted her up so that she wrapped her legs around his waist and walked her to the tree, his tongue already desperately exploring her mouth, flowers springing from the ground. He pinned her against the tree with his body weight, eliciting an aroused moan from her as she rubbed her covered pussy against the growing erection that threatened to burst through his black pants.

 

“I’m going to ravish you against this tree, scavenger,” Ren growled.

 

“I’ll believe it when it happens, monstah,” she returned.

 

He used the Force to keep her suspended against the tree, then jerked her pants roughly down.

 

“Still don’t believe me?”

 

She shook her head no, a delighted grin spreading across her face.

 

He grunted as he unzipped his fly, allowing his large erection to spring free. He rested one hand against the tree, leaning in toward her, and used the other to stroke himself next to her already wet pussy.

 

“You still want to toy with me?” he cocked his head to the side.

 

“That’s what happens when you’re being dirty talked by a ravishing creatchah with a sexy scar.” She leaned in and licked the scar she’d given him from his jaw to his forehead, causing him to shudder with arousal.

 

“Dirty scavenger--” he murmured and jerked her panties to the side, plunging a leather-gloved finger roughly inside her wet cunt. He removed the finger and sucked her juice from his glove, fellating his own finger to put on a show for her. He felt her need for more through their bond, and used his other hand to guide his dick to her slick entrance.

 

“Is this what you want?” He breathed.

 

She nodded, her breath shallow in anticipation.

 

With a grunt, he took her all at once, grinning wickedly at her stream of pleasured obscenity that echoed through the woods. He removed a glove with his teeth, tossing it aside, then continued fellating his fingers, getting them nice and slick. As he thrust slow but hard, roughly pounding her against the tree, he snaked his wet fingers around her backside, trailing them between her ass cheeks, down to...

 

Space squirrels nervously chattered and ran up and down the tree. A mother space bird covered her baby birds’ eyes with her wings while the father space bird perched on a lower branch to get a better look.

 

“Oh Kylo!” the girl gasped in surprised pleasure. “No one's  _ ever _ touched me  _ there _ before…”

 

The father space bird cut his eyes at his wife, waggling his eyebrows lewdly.

 

The mother space bird let out a low chirp that translated roughly to, “Don't even think about it, Howard.”


	7. The Hutslayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crazy Uncle Luke earns a monicker to rival his twin sister's.

Chapter 7: The Hutslayer

 

Kylo and Rey giggled and whispered quietly as they walked hand in hand to the group of huts near the First Jedi Temple, flowers continuing to spring up all around them. A passel of space forest creatures were now following them.

 

Luke was already there awaiting them, his faithful space dog-lizard at his heel. He could have sworn he heard Rey sing, “Kylo and Rey sitting in a tree” and Kylo respond with, “F-U-C-K-I-N-G”. He greeted them with his own unsung response. “My naughty nephew.”

 

Kylo gave him a look that would, in the Southern states of a star-spangled country in a galaxy far far away, be described as “crossways”. “You know it's fucking weird for an uncle to refer to his adult nephew as ‘naughty’, right?”

 

“You know I’ve been the only person on this island for six years, right?” Luke gestured toward a hut. “Come inside, we have much to discuss.”

 

The three entered Luke’s hut, Kylo and Rey sitting beside one another on one side of a small table and Luke sitting across from them. The space forest creatures followed them inside.

 

Luke cleared his throat. “It appears I was wrong. You two have brought balance to the Force through your, erm, love.”

 

“Fucking,” Rey corrected, trailing a hand over to Ren’s thigh. 

 

A young male space deer poked its head in, peering cautiously around, then meandering in and nudging his antlers against Rey’s arm so she’d pet him.

 

“Love is more likely--”

 

“Nah, I loved her before I fucked her,” said Kylo, his eyes locked with Rey’s. He surreptitiously trailed a hand up to grasp her breast. “It was the fucking.”

 

Luke scowled as a space squirrel climbed up to perch on his shoulder. “You have brought balance to the Force through the sexual union of Light and Dark. But there is still much work to be done.”

 

Kylo’s gloved hand trailed from Rey’s breast down her belly and reached between her legs, but she playfully swatted him and pushed it away. Keeping his eyes fixed on hers, a smile playing at both their lips, he instead walked his hand around her waist and went for her crotch from this direction. She swatted him again, so he gripped her wrist, bringing her hand up to his mouth to kiss and suck every finger. Flowered vines grew from where Kylo and Rey sat, creeping up the sides of the hut walls.

 

“Ahem,” said Luke. “I said there is still much work to be done.”

 

“And what’s that, Uncle?” said Kylo, never taking his eyes off Rey.

 

“Well, Snoke and the First Order are still at large. Ouch! Shoo!” Luke swatted at a space bird that was repeatedly attempting to pull off bits of his beard to build a nest. 

 

The space dog-lizard ran crazily around the hut as other space animals continued to wander in.

 

“So we’ll go take care of it,” said Rey, then she slid beneath the table.

 

Kylo’s eyes widened and a wolfish grin spread over his face. “Yes Uncle, what’s the fuss? Rey and I will -- Oh baby… How are you fitting all of that in your mouth? -- we’ll take care of it -- Fuck, Rey.”

 

“And how are you going to do that?--Stop! Stop it right now!” Luke swatted at the space bird, which had begun to peck his face in frustration.

 

“Oh yeah baby, suck it, you gorgeous--” groaned Kylo. 

 

Loud slurping sounds filled the small hut, which was being rapidly covered with flowers springing from the tangling vines.

 

“Snoke is a powerful Darksider. It will take masterful planning and execution to take him dow-- Ah-Ah-AH-CHOO!” Pollen from the flowers that were now covering the hut floor and walls triggered Luke’s allergies.

 

Pollenous flowers fell everywhere. Luke’s sneezing kept up. Space animals continued to crowd inside. The dog-lizard was going nuts, barking at everything and humping the table legs. The slurping sounds and moans from Rey and Kylo got louder and more vulgar.

 

“THAT’S IT! EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT!! AH-CHOO!!”

 

The hut came crashing down around them, rocks and flowers exploding outward and space animals scurrying away in all directions, with the dog-lizard chasing after the space squirrels.

 

The table was gone but Rey was still kneeling at Kylo’s lap, beaming proudly up at him as he struggled to catch his breath. He leaned down and licked her face and mouth, then used his cape to wipe away the remaining mess. 

 

“Sweetheart,” he whispered in hushed awe. He lifted her up so that they stood together. 

 

“Perhaps we should make our way to the First Order, love,” said Rey. “Snoke does need taking out and I think we’ll have much less trouble with nature getting out of hand inside the base. Besides...” Rey stood on her tiptoes to whisper in Kylo’s ear.

 

Luke thought he heard something about a “big bad Renperor” but couldn’t be sure.

 

“As you wish,” Kylo said, his dark eyes alight.

 

With that, Rey and her Dark Lord boarded Kylo’s ship and flew all the way back to Chapter 4. (When they arrived Kylo slipped the first Trooper he saw twenty credits and asked him to see to it the rumor he’d turned Rey to the Dark Side made its way across the base, then he swept his woman into his arms and bridal carried her all the way to he and Hux’s suite.)

 

Luke watched as Kylo’s ship broke the atmosphere, still sitting in the middle of the wrecked hut, the space bird finally having decided to make the nest  _ in _ his beard. He pulled a flask from his robes.

  
“I’m getting too old for this shit.”


	8. By Order of the Supreme Renperor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My 30th birthday present to myself: publishing a chapter of hot Renperor sex. ;) Enjoy. - Felix

  1. By Order of the Supreme Renperor



After several rounds of morning, afternoon, evening, and midnight delight in Hux’s bed, Rey ran a finger up Kylo Ren’s shredded abdomen.

 

“Kylo… My love…” She crooned.

 

“Yes, my darling?” He was busy placing little kisses on each of her fingertips.

 

“As much as I adore fucking like a couple of space rabbits, don’t you think it’s time we take a break? You know, so you can ascend your throne and take your rightful place as Supreme Renperor of the Galaxy?”

 

A dark glint filled his eyes and he nipped the finger he’d been kissing, causing her to gasp. “I was wondering when you’d ask.”

 

***

The two Force users entered Snoke’s chambers.

 

“Oh good, the happy couple have finally arrived,” simpered Snoke. “Rey, my dear, I’ve heard so much about you.”

 

“Is it the same amount of things Kylo heard about me?”

 

Snoke thought a moment. “I suppose it was two-- huh. I guess we’re a bit overly fond of hyperbole on the Dark Side. Nonetheless, pleased to finally meet you all the same. Kylo Ren, we need to talk. Now you know as excellent a General as he is, I personally find Hux to be a shameless kissass and obnoxious git. But in the name of my sanity I am asking you as a personal favor to stop fucking in his bed. If I have to hear his whining one more--”

 

“Snoke. We do need to talk. I’ve grown more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Abdicate your throne and you will come to no harm.”

 

Snoke sighed. “I always knew this day would come. Ren, what is this about anyway? Is it the pussy? You know I can get you more pussy than you can possibly handle.”

 

Kylo placed a possessive arm around Rey. “This pussy is more than enough for me.”

 

“Aw, thanks, baby.” Rey smiled up at her man.

 

“Well, it’s true, sugar.” He nuzzled the tip of his nose against hers.   
  


“Sweet Baby Force. Hux was not exaggerating. I think I’m going to be sick. Okay, moving right along and pretending I didn’t just see that shit. Rey, sunshine, you know you’re more powerful than this guy right? Ever think about coming over to our side of the Force and taking his place? I can also provide replacement dick…”

 

“Oh! Oh Force, no!” Rey almost hurled in her own mouth. “Oh my Force, are you serious? No, why would I--? Yuck!”

 

Snoke’s pale face turned beet red. “I didn’t mean myself but gee, thanks.”

 

“Not a chance, Gollum. Ren is more than enough man for me. Like, about four inches more.”

 

Snoke sighed again. “Well, in that case, I’ll just have to-- FORCE LIGHTNING!”

 

But Rey and Ren anticipated his attack and summoned the water from the troth they’d left just outside the door and flung it at him, causing him to simultaneously electrocute and-- was that steam rising from his rapidly withering form?

 

“I’m melting! Melting! Oh what a world, what a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?” And with that Snoke melted into nothingness.

 

A choir of haunting male voices sang his leitmotif as Kylo ascended the black steps to Snoke’s throne, finally taking his rightful place as Kylo Ren, Dark Lord and Supreme Renperor of the Galaxy. “Mwahahahahahaha,” he chuckled quietly, sinisterly to himself. 

 

***

A young woman knelt before Ren, her hood hiding her eyes, her perfect lips all that were visible. "What is thy bidding, my Master?"

 

Ren placed a gloved hand under her chin, lifting her face so she met his dark eyes. Then he removed her hood, revealing her long brunette locks flowing down past her shoulders, eyes done up in smouldering shadow and lips painted blood red. He sucked a breath in at how ravishing she was. "Rey," he breathed.

 

"Yes, Master Ren?"

 

“By order of your Supreme Renperor, execute Order Sixty-Nine.”

 

“As you wish, my Master.” Rey smiled.

 

She rose and straddled his lap, slowly stripping away layer after layer of her clothing. First came her robe that was tossed to the side. Then came her top and pants, revealing the matching laced black bra, panties, and stockings she wore beneath. She swiveled her still-clothed pussy over his growing erection.

 

“Help me take off my gloves,” he breathed. “Let me feel you with own hands.”

 

A seductive smile played at her lips as she gingerly removed his gloves one by one.

He ran his hands over her ribs to her back, unclasping her bra and throwing it to the floor revealing her small, pert breasts. Then he brushed his fingers over her tits, stroking gently at first then squeezing roughly and pulling her to him so he could tease her hard nipples with his teeth and tongue.

 

“M-master Ren!” she breathed, grinding harder against his throbbing dick.

 

He reached for the throne’s release mechanism and reclined.

 

“Turn around,” he ordered her.

 

Her heart fluttered as she obeyed, then looked back for his next command.

 

“Take my dick out of my pants,” he growled in a quiet baritone.

 

“Yes, Master,” she purred, then freed his throbbing cock and lovingly stroked its velvet with both hands.

 

“Suck me, Rey,” he rasped.

 

She took as much of him as she could in her wet mouth, drool running down his cock as she relished his mildly salty taste and masculine smell. She moaned her growing arousal as she took him down her throat, gagging on his length.

 

“That’s right, gorgeous,” he breathed. “Show me how much you love my cock.”

 

“Oh you know how much I love it, you filthy--”

 

He pushed her head back down on his dick then jerked her panties to the side and plunged his tongue deep inside her, causing her to moan and squeal against him. He groaned at how good, how right, how perfect she tasted. He ran his fingers up and down the backs of her thighs, tickling her softly so she wriggled against his face. He licked from her cunt up to her asshole and plunged one finger, then two fingers inside her wet cunt.

 

She moaned against his dick and shoved her cunt against his still fingers, rocking with abandon as her climax began to coil inside her lower belly.

 

He curled his fingers just right against the spot he knew so well and as he felt her muscles squeeze against his fingers he shoved his face back to her cunt so she drenched him in her juices as she screamed his name.

 

He ran his tongue slowly over her folds, groaning at how delicious she was, causing her to tremble and whimper with pleasure that was almost too much. He gripped her hips and gently guided her further down so she aligned with his cock.

 

She gripped his dick and slowly, painstakingly slid down on top of him, gasping and moaning as she used him to fill herself. She looked over her shoulder as she did it, making eye contact and giving him a coy smile.

 

He groaned his approval, gripping her hips and guiding her in sensual circles, then snaked a hand around to rub her clit, causing her to gasp and bear further down on him. He thrust up into her, bouncing her on his cock, both of their cries echoing in the late Supreme Leader’s chamber. He felt her second wave building through their bond and rubbed her clit furiously, stilling his own thrusts so she could move exactly how she needed.

 

Finally, the wave crested over her and she screamed, grasping her own tits, hungry for contact.

 

He sensed her need and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her back to his chest, keeping one arm tightly around her waist and using his other hand under her thigh to push her knee into her chest, keeping her spread open as their union wetly smacked. He pulled her brown locks aside and buried his face in her neck, nipping and sucking from her jaw to her collarbone. He moved both hands to her thighs, spreading her open, and increased his thrusts to a relentless pounding, both of them crying out their pleasure.

 

He felt his own climax was imminent and used a hand to turn her face so they locked eyes. 

 

“Cum for me, my Master,” she commanded him.

 

“Rey,” he breathed and spilled himself inside her.

 

They collapsed together, their breathing heavy. As their bodies stilled, he trailed a set of fingers from her hipbone up her still sensitive abdomen and breasts then to gently turn her face toward his once more so he could brush her full lips, their red paint now smeared, with his own before they drifted off.

 

***

“Wow,” said Finn, stars still in his eyes. “I-- I never knew it could be like that with--”

 

“Green eggs and ham, baby.” Poe winked. “Never knock it until you’ve tried it.”

 

“Ahem.”

 

Finn and Poe looked up to see Rey and Kylo Ren standing together outside their cell.

 

“Ren!” Finn jolted.

 

“Traitor,” Ren acknowledged him with a nod.

 

“What are you doing with-- with-- him?” said Finn.

 

“Long story--”

 

“We’re fucking.” Kylo took a perverse delight in watching the sinking look on Finn’s face.

 

“And we’re also here to release you. War’s over, Snoke’s dead.”

 

She opened their cell door and hugged her friend.

 

Kylo and Poe eyeballed each other before Kylo finally spoke. “I’m sorry about the torture.”

 

“Oh gee, that makes up for it.” Poe rolled his eyes.

 

“No really, I am. What else would you like me to do?”

 

“How about getting Finn and I our own ship outta this place so we can run off for a space Vegas style wedding? I know the perfect planet.”

 

“Done,” said Kylo. “Take the next passageway all the way to the left then make a right. If anyone gives you grief, have them call me directly.”

 

Finn and Poe squeezed hands and took off down the corridor.

 

“So the traitor bats for the home team?” Ren asked Rey.

 

Rey shrugged. “I could have sworn he had a crush on me, but apparently so.”

 

“That’s funny, I wouldn’t have pegged him that way. The pilot, on the other hand…”

 

“Right? I mean, honestly, there were people in the Resistance insisting we’d get together, and all I could think was, ‘Yeah right. That one’s about as straight as Kylo’s hair’.”

 

“Well, I must admit, they do make a cute couple. StormPilot.”

 

“Don’t they?” Rey gushed. “Oh I do hope we get an invite to their wedding. You know it’ll be the best wedding.”

 

“Gay men do have the best weddings - we’ll have to ask them who all they used when we do our own.”

 

Rey stopped dead in her tracks. “Kylo, do you-- do you mean it?”

 

He looked shyly at his boots. “Well, one day, I was hoping… When you’re ready, that is...”

 

“YES!” She leapt into his arms, almost causing him to crash. “Oh but Kylo, how are we going to list me on our invitations? I’m Rey Nobody; I don’t even know my last name.”

 

He looked into her eyes. “Well sweetheart, if you want it you can always have mine.”

 

She beamed up at him and leaned in for a tender kiss.

 

***

“What in the bloody fuck is happening?! Why have the Resistance traitors been released? Where’s Supreme Leader Snoke? AND WHO PUT KYLO “DICK FOR BRAINS” REN IN CHARGE?!?!”

 

“General Hux,” said The Renperor from behind his former co-worker.

 

Hux nearly jumped out of his skin.

 

“Such treason to speak of your superiors in that manner. I should have you executed.”

 

Hux gulped.

 

“But what can I say? I suppose since my dick is doing the thinking these days I’m compelled to go light -- Rey! Rey, did you hear that? I’m “going light” on Hux.”

 

Rey refrained from kicking his shin and groaned instead. “Yes dear, we all heard your dad joke.”

 

“Hux, consider yourself demoted to First Lieutenant.”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Lieutenant Mitaka!” 

 

Mitaka squeaked and scurried over. “Y-y-yes, Supreme Renperor?”

 

“You’re in charge now,” Ren said. 

 

Mitaka looked like he would faint while Hux’s face looked like a tomato about to burst.

 

“Are you FUCKING SHITTING ME, REN?! You’ve usurped the Supreme Leader’s throne, demoted me, put MEALY-MOUTHED MITAKA in charge, and NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS BLOODY BASE OBJECTS?!”

 

JB-007 piped up. “We’ve had more special liberty and senior sponsored barbeques for junior enlisted personnel since he’s been back than we ever had under you and Snoke. Morale and productivity are through the roof. I fully support the Supreme Renperor.”

 

“Here, here!” the Stormtroopers raised fists into the air.

 

“THAT’S IT!! I AM TAKING OUT YOU AND YOUR JEDI WHOR--”

 

Ren Force Dragged Hux by his boots then squeezed his neck nearly to the breaking point in a Force Choke.

 

“My sweet.” Rey tugged her ear, the signal they'd agreed upon. “Your body count is high enough. We’re making better choices now, remember?”

 

Ren scowled but acquiesced to his lady. “If I ever hear you speak to or about the future Mrs. Organa-Solo in that manner again, I will Force choke you to death and I will make every person on this ship stand at parade rest until your carcass shits itself. Am I clear?”

 

“Crystal,” Hux croaked out.

 

Ren unceremoniously dropped him.

 

“Captain Phasma,” Ren called. 

 

“Yes, Supreme Renperor?”

 

“Your costume has panache and, if you don’t mind my saying so, you are one badass bitch. Have you ever considered the glamorous life of ultimate super villainy?”

 

“Why-- only every day since I was a little girl, Sir!”

 

“Excellent. The throne is yours. As much fun as I’ve had being the Supreme Renperor my love has reminded me there’s a distinct shelf life on my good looks now that I’ve ascended the throne, and should I end up looking like Snoke or Palpatine she has promised to develop mysterious nightly headaches.” He shuddered at the thought of their lovelife becoming the fodder of bad American sitcoms. “Not worth the risk.”

 

“Supreme Renperor! I--I’m honored!” Phasma said.

 

Ren turned to his love. “Rey my darling.”

 

“Yes, my Lord?”

  
He smiled and winked. “It’s just Ben now. Come on. Let’s shag ass.”


	9. Space Mama and the Beer Can Chicken Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit different. Humorous but with some serious stuff. Because I'm a sap at heart. Don't worry though, there's still sex.

  1. **Space Mama and the Beer Can Chicken Monster**



 

“Is that her hand on his ass?”

 

“I think so but it’s hard to tell from here. No, maybe it’s her hand on his crotch.” Luke passed the binoculars to his sister.

 

“Is he carrying her? No… Is she limping? Ugh, it’s so hard to tell! But they’re in the same vicinity and they’re  _ not _ trying to kill each other?”

 

“Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to explain. Sis, she blew him in my hut.”

 

Leia squinted into the binoculars. “She blew up your hut?”

 

“No, _I_ blew up my hut. Because she  _ blew him _ in it.”

 

Leia snorted. “I knew she was a keeper. I swear to the Force if Ben fucks this up I’m going to grab him by those ears…”

 

“Nah, I think we’re safe. You should see those two in person. It’s… Well, it’s something all right. You know how Ben talks a big game like he’s some sort of badass.”

 

“Fucking nerd.” Leia rolled her eyes. “Hey, don’t Bogart that shit.”

 

Luke passed her the flask he’d been working on. “Oh I know, but you know how he is. Total blowhard. And she so plays it up. Calls him Master and shit. It’s painfully obvious to everyone  _ except him _ she’s leading him around by the dick. Rumor from Poe is she let him play at his longtime fantasy of being Supreme Renperor for all of 24 hours then hinted she wouldn’t want to give him any more nookie if he ended up looking like Snoke. So what does he do? Gives up the title and starts going by Ben again, I shit you not.”

 

“Oh good, so she’s smart too. See, I knew I liked her.”

 

“By the way, Gary re-InstaHologrammed a picture of them earlier today.”

 

“Gary! Oh I’m going to kill that space dog. You know the last time he used my computer he crashed it with space dog porn? Ugh. Well, what was it, anyway? Please tell me my son’s dick isn’t plastered all over the interholonet.”

 

“Nah, it was pretty saccharine. Just the two lovebirds gazing into each other’s eyes and smiling. They have a huge following. And their own shipping name too - Reylo.”

 

“What is that? Is that like Bennifer?”

 

“Yeah, or Brangelina. Same principle.”

 

“Reylo.” Leia let the word roll over her tongue. “You know, it does have a nice ring to it. Oh my Force, did he just put on that stupid mask? What is he doing?”

 

“Probably whatever fetish they’re exploring today.”

 

“Hey guys, what did I miss?”

 

Luke and Leia both nearly jumped out of their skin.

 

Leia placed a hand on her heart. “Holy shit, Han you scared the living hell out of me.”

 

“Sorry sweetheart.” Han’s Force ghost smirked.

 

Luke scratched his head. “Well, this is unusual. Only Jedi can come back as Force ghosts.”

 

“Nope. Balance in the Force. No special skills required now. So. Wife. Where’re my fifty credits? Hm?”

 

“And how exactly are you going to use fifty credits as a ghost?” Leia asked, a smirk playing at her lips.

 

“Point taken. I’d be satisfied with a simple ‘You were right, Han’ in lieu of. Come on...” he coaxed.

 

She groaned. “You were right, Han. Ben fell for Rey.”

 

“Nailed it.” He smirked.

 

Leia muttered something about a broken watch being right twice a cycle, then looked back through the binoculars. “Woah! What the fuck is that thing?”

 

“Giant space chicken?” suggested Luke.

 

“Nah, looks more like a huge beer can,” Han said. “Oh boy, it just put Ben on his ass.”

 

“Yeah, don’t worry though, Rey killed it for him,” said Leia.

 

Han put his head in his hand. “Oh gawd. Now he’s pretending he knows how to skin it.”

 

“Oh good lord. Ben honey, just stick with what you know: solving mysteries in the archives.”

 

“Aaaaaaand she just skinned it for him. Good thing one of them learned some basic man skills,” said Luke.

 

Han groaned and shook his head.

 

“Wait, are they--? Oh shit, they’re doing it! It’s happening! It’s happening! Ah! My eyes!” Leia threw the binoculars to the ground. "Force, that boy needs to get some sun on that pale ass."

 

“I told you, that’s all they do now.” Luke took a swig from the flask. “Oh man, she’s really giving it to him this time.”

 

Han grinned. “Good for him.”

 

***

 

Ben strained against the Force Hold Rey used to keep his wrists pinned to the ground above his head. “Take off this mask,” he commanded her in a modulated voice.

 

“No.” She smiled down at him and swirled her hips over his still clothed groin.

 

“Rey, take it off. I want to see you through my real eyes.”

 

“All in good time, monstah.” She shivered with excitement at playing out the fantasy she’d had since her interrogation. “Now tell me about map.”

 

“What map?”

 

“The map that leads to your bedroom.”

 

“Oh  _ that _ map,” his voice reverberated.

 

“I’ve hunted you down, pinned you to the ground. Somehow you’ve made me determined to have your body.  _ You _ . A monstah.”

 

He stared up at her in silence.

 

“You know I can take whatever I want.” Her hazel eyes were wild.

 

“Please do,” he said.

 

She glared.

 

“Oh I mean, I’m not giving you anything!”

 

“We’ll see.” She smirked.

 

She removed the mask and straddled his face, his tongue immediately lapping up at the moist pussy that she kept hovered just out of reach.

 

“Rey,” he whined. “Let me taste you.”

 

She stared coldly down at him.

 

He rolled his eyes and said in a deadpan voice, “Oh no. Not that.”

 

“Oh yes. You’re getting exactly what you asked for, creatcha.” She lowered her pussy to his face, rubbing herself over his scar before settling on his full lips.

 

“Mm,” he moaned in enjoyment, shoving his tongue eagerly inside her.

 

“Ah!” She cried out. “Oh yes, you like that, don’t you? You can’t help but love having my scavenger pussy in your arrogant, sexy face, can you?”

 

“Mhmm,” he mindlessly agreed, relishing finally having what he wanted in the first place. He slid his tongue over and along her folds, circling her clit before plunging back into her wet cunt.

 

She cried out as she swirled her pussy over his mouth, finally breaking away and moving lower to grind her cunt against his throbbing dick.

 

He stared up at her, his dark eyes intense and commanding even as he lay pinned to the ground.

 

She took his dick in her hand and stroked him several times, teasing him before finally placing his head in her slit and slowly, painstakingly lowering herself onto him, never breaking eye contact.

 

“Let me touch you,” he gasped out.

 

“But we are touching.” She smiled coyly down at him.

 

“Let me touch you,” he growled in frustration and bucked up into her.

 

“No.” She began to ride him, bouncing on him as he pounded up into her, meeting him at every thrust. She cried out at every delicious place he hit inside her, yelping as he hit her cervix but just as quickly moaning with abandon as he stroked against her G-spot. She felt so full, so flushed and intense, so perfect and right as they made love, and the familiar sensation of being close to the edge began to wash over her. She lost control of the Force and bounced forcefully on top of him.

 

As soon as he felt the slack around his wrists, he lunged up with an “Ayah!” wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her roughly in for a wet, sloppy kiss, shoving his tongue inside her mouth, and squeezing her tits tightly against his chest as though he’d never let her go. They moaned into each other’s mouths, desperately tearing at hair and raking nails down backs. The air was filled with “Yesses”, “Mores”, and pleasured cries of their names as they fucked with abandon.

 

He sensed her imminent climax just as she sensed his, and they locked glazed over eyes, crying out and releasing as one.

 

“Oh Rey,” he whispered against her lips. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, Ben.”

 

***

This time as the pair walked to the huts there were no flowers or animals. The Force had balanced itself and adjusted, their initial charge having leveled off in the days they had spent in each other’s arms. Still, they were surrounded by a faint glowing white light, as though their very union was sacred.

 

They entered the hut they sensed Luke in.

 

Ben’s stomach leapt into his chest when he saw his childhood babysitter.

 

Chewbacca howled in fury several times, causing Ben to flinch, then his voice dissolved into a series of dejected moans and whimpers. 

 

Luke nodded toward the door and he and Rey stepped outside to give them some space.

 

Tears formed in Ben's eyes. “I'm sorry,” he murmured. “I am a monster. I don't expect you to forgi--”

 

Chewie pulled him in for a painfully tight hug and barked.

 

“I love you too,” Ben squeezed him.

 

After a long hug, Chewie drew back and intoned a question.

 

“Yes. We are,” Ben said. “I’m in love with her.”

 

“Aaaarrrraaaaagh?” asked Chewie.

 

Ben gave him an indignant scowl then snapped, “Well, of course I did. I'm thirty, not thirteen. Ladies first.”

 

Chewie cocked his head and gave him a doubtful growl.

 

“Several times, in fact. She was a trembling mess by the time--”

 

“Ooooookay!” Rey entered the hut and cut in, followed closely by Luke.

 

Chewbacca gave Ben a stern warning growl that both Ben and Rey translated roughly to, “If you ever hurt that girl I will strangle you to death.”

 

“Understood,” said Ben.

 

“Aw, thanks Chewie.” Rey smiled.

 

“BENJAMIN CHEWBACCA SKYWALKER ORGANA SOLO!!” Leia slapped Ben’s face, stunning him, then pulled him immediately in for a hug that rivaled Chewie’s.

 

Ben dissolved into his mother’s arms. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry.”

 

They held each other for a while. Finally, they parted and Ben took a seat beside his lady.

 

Leia looked at Ben’s love. “Thank you, Rey. Thank you for bringing my son home.”

 

Rey smiled and reached out for Ben’s hand, pulling it to her.

 

“So,” said Leia, putting on her business face. “Grandbabies.”

 

“Mom!”

 

She took a swig from her flask, then passed it to Luke. “Well, I’m no spring chicken after all. Now I know young people these days don’t necessarily get married. All I’m asking is that with all this canoodling you two have been up to, you’re not  _ too _ careful.”

 

“Oh my Force. Mother! Are you seriously giving me the opposite of a condom talk right now?”

 

“Are you two exclusive?” She raised a brow.

 

“YES!” They both shouted at once.

 

“Well then.” She took another swig. “I don’t see the issue.”

 

“Oh my-- mother, I am not talking about this with you. Rey, you don’t have to--”

 

“We’re not careful,” Rey said. “At all. Ever.”

 

A smile lit up Leia’s face. “Well, after all that’s how Ben came about. Grandbabies...”

 

Chewie chuckled.

 

“Hey now, don’t you start up, fuzzball.” Ben pointed an accusatory finger at him.

 

Chewie shrugged and let out a few barks and grunts.

 

“No no no! I don’t need to hear about lack of condoms in the Ewok village or how many times it happened! No! Lalalalalalala--”

 

Chewie turned to Rey and gave her a happy series of grumbles she could translate to, “You’re totally getting a bun in the oven. It'll be a cute little cub too.”

 

Rey smiled and winked at Chewie.

 

Leia drank happily and told Rey everything she could think of about Baby Ben’s antics. Luke went outside with his crazy lizard-dog nipping at his heels to get away from what was sure to turn into a boisterous reunion. Chewie kept wrapping all of them in happy hugs.

  
Ben looked up and saw a glowing blue figure standing in the far end of the hut. His father smiled at him then nodded at Rey and gave an approving thumbs up. Ben wrapped his arm around Rey, squeezing her tightly against him and smiled back at his father. Finally, he was home.


	10. The Loremaster and the Cenote

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Leia continue their drunken shenanigans, Rey finds someone who might be able to put her parentage to rest, and our favorite pale Prince of the Dark finds a way to make sure he enjoys his time at the sunny StormPilot destination wedding.
> 
> Special guest appearance by Pablo H.
> 
> Special thank you to @IoJovi for the cantina idea!

**Chapter 10: The Loremaster and the Cenote**

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

“Oh hush and just enjoy yourself. It’s not every day we get a paid vacation to celebrate our friends’ wedding.” Rey helped Ben rub white sunscreen that was almost darker than his skin across his back.

“Your friends.”

“They could be your friends too, you know. Just get to know them.”

“Yes, dear.” His voice was flat. He forgot his sunglasses did little to hide his rolling eyes from a woman who was literally in his head 24/7.

She swatted him.

“Ouch! Foul! Abuse!”

“Quiet down, Ben. Go make me a sandwich.”

He turned and grinned, leaning down to rub the tip of his nose against hers. Then he took her hand and walked into the pool.

His mother and Uncle Luke were already at the swim-up bar.

“Here comes my future grandbabymama!” Leia greeted her loudly, hiccuping and nearly dropping her fifth martini into the pool.

“Hi future space mama!” Rey greeted her with an equally enthusiastic hug but turned her head to the side so as not to catch the brunt of her alcohol breath.

“Mom. Uncle Luke.” Ben smiled and nodded.

Luke turned his bloodshot eyes away from the bikini-clad, sunbathing girls toward his nephew. “There’sh more tail here than you can shake a lightshaber at,” he slurred.

“I suppose…” said Ben.

Luke jolted up. “I’m gonna go talk to ‘em! Hic!”

“Nooo--No no no.” Ben put his hands around his Uncle’s arms and guided him back down to his seat in the pool. “Bartender. Water for him please.”

“You wanna fight? I came prepared.” Luke clumsily patted the lightsaber he had clipped to the fanny pack he wore almost higher than his trunks were pulled up.

“No. I want you to not harass those young women who are obviously doing just fine without unwanted attention from a drunk old Jedi.”

“You sssayin’ Uncle Luke ain’t got game? I ssstill got it!”

“PAH!” This time Leia’s drink landed five feet away from her in the pool. “You never had it! I should know!”

Ben’s face turned red and he smacked his forehead with his hand. “Ooookay. That’s it. I tried. I wash my hands of whatever shenanigans you two cause. Rey, dear?”

Rey grinned and waved back at the twins as she led Ben to the Cantina area. When she looked back, Leia was making her way toward a familiar looking redhead sulking on the opposite side of the pool.

“Yo. Ginger Hitler. Yeah, I’m talking to you. War’s over. Be a gentleman and buy Mama a new drink.”

Ben wrapped an arm around Rey’s waist. “Hungry?”

“Famished!”

“Best part of all-inclusive packages. Free food.”

Rey eyes widened. She whispered, “Really?”

“It’s true. All of it.”

“I’m going to try ALL of it,” she rasped.

His heart ached for a moment and he kissed her cheek. This wasn’t the first time she’d inadvertently reminded him she had lived in destitution not days before they first met. No way would she live like that again, so long as he had a say.

“You pick our table. I’ll come back with a mountain for us.” He winked and walked over to the buffet.

While he retrieved their food, Rey spotted a strangely familiar looking man sitting in a corner of the Cantina. He was a pleasant looking man with tan skin and glasses, and he was busy thumbing away at his iComlink.

Ben scarcely returned with the promised mountain of food before Rey began shoving bites of bantha steak and cheesecake into her mouth. “Benooisthaguy?” She asked through stuffed cheeks.

Ben gingerly wiped at the corners of his own mouth and set his fork and knife down before answering. “No one really knows his name. He goes only by The Loremaster and is said to be very wise and knowledgeable about the ways of this galaxy.”

Her eyes lit up and she swallowed thickly. “Oh Ben! Do you think he could tell me who my parents are?”

“Oh for sure, sweetheart. But just so you know, he can be worse than a damn sphinx with his riddles.”

“I have to try.”

The pair moved toward The Loremaster.

“Excuse me?”

The man put his iComlink away and looked up. “Hello.”

“I beg your pardon, but are you The Loremaster?” asked Rey.

“I am.” He smiled.

“I’m Rey.” She smiled back.

“I know. Don’t worry about the drink.”

“What drink?” Rey turned and knocked his beer off the tiki table. “Oh sorry!”

He smiled. “I told you, don’t worry about it.”

“But how did you--?”

“What’s really going to bake your noodle later is, if I hadn’t said anything would you have still knocked it over? Now, please go ahead and ask your question.”

“Mr. Loremaster, who are my parents?”

He rubbed his chin. “Well. If you’re asking if they’re in your world right now or in the past, they are neither here nor there.”

“I know I’m no Skywalker. Luke told me that. So if I’m not a Skywalker, then who am I?”

“If you trust Maz Kanaka you’ll know the belonging you sought was not with the family you lost, but the family you’ve found.”

She and Ben squeezed each other’s waists. “Yes, I know, and I’m very happy with Ben and his family and my friends. But I still must know, who is my birth family?”

Just as The Loremaster was about to answer, a man approached. “Hey! You’re The Loremaster! Hey Carol, it’s The Loremaster!”

The Loremaster began to sink down in his tiki chair.

“Hey Loremaster, I’ve gotta know. Was Snoke Plagueis? I feel like that was never really cleared up.”

The Loremaster sighed. “No. Snoke was Snoke. Plagueis was Plagueis.”

“Are you sure?”

“What? Yes, I’m sure.”

“Hey, I got a bone to pick with you!” Someone else said. “Snoke was Plagueis, right?”

“Oh for the love of-- no!”

“That’s some bullshit, man. Next you’re gonna tell us Rey and Finn didn’t get together.”

“Well…”

The man who’d just cursed at The Loremaster locked eyes with Rey and Ben. “Hey, WHAT THE FUCK? Loremaster, you piece of...”

“I’m the messenger! I don’t control these things!”

“Hey, is Rey a Skywalker?” Someone else shouted from across the Cantina.

“NO!” Rey, Ben, and The Loremaster shouted back at once.

“Okay, that’s it. I’m done here.” The Loremaster left his calling card, a photo of a space kitten, on the tiki table.

Ben and Rey scarcely had time to apologize for attracting attention to him before he fled the Cantina.

“Let’s get outta here, sweetheart. There’s somewhere I want to take you anyway.”

***

“Oh Ben!” She gasped. “It’s so romantic!”

He’d made her wear a blindfold and kissed her neck all the way to the location. When they arrived, he’d removed the blindfold to reveal that they stood at the bottom of a tall, shaded cenote, rocky walls surrounding them and a deep clear blue pool below them. Colorful flowers grew on vines along the top of the walls.

He puffed up his pale chest and smiled at himself. “I thought you’d like it.”

“Oh but I can’t swim. Remember?”

“Then I’ll teach you.”

They placed hands on each other’s temples, locking eyes as he leaned down softly kiss her full lips. She fluttered her eyes shut and synced her breath with his. When she opened her eyes again, she was ready to swim.

He closed off his mind to her temporarily, leading her by the hand to the pool edge, grazing fingertips over her cheek and leaning in to place soft kisses against her jawline. They reached the edge, and he peered down at her, his mouth a thin, unreadable line but a familiar wicked gleam lighting his eyes.

Suddenly, she Force pushed him!

He came bobbing back up, splashing and spitting water as he surfaced.

“I know your tricks, Ben Solo!” She laughed.

A wicked grin lit up his face. “Come on in, scavenger! The water is fine.”

“No no, I’m good exactly where I am.” She sauntered along the edge of the pool.

“So you THINK!” He Force pulled her into the pool with him, wrapping his arms around her when she splashed beside him.

“Why you dirty--mff!”

He captured her lips, running his tongue over the top and bottom, gently probing for entrance then dancing with her own.

After a while, their hands roaming over each other’s wet bodies, she broke away and began nipping at his jawline all the way down his neck to his collarbone.

He used the Force to keep them afloat with ease, then pulled her legs around his waist. He grasped her face in his hands and locked eyes with hers for a moment before leaning in to whisper in her elfin ear, “I’m going to fuck you in every possible position in every possible place.”

“Prove it,” she whispered back.

He reached between them and adjusted his growing erection so it was positioned perfectly for her to grind her clit against. Then he pulled her close, taking a fist full of hair to pull her head back and access her tender neck. He growled as he sucked and nipped her.

She grabbed two fists full of his wavy black hair, gasping and tugging as she rubbed herself against his sex. Aching for more, she reached down and freed his cock from his black swim trunks then pulled her own cream colored bikini bottom to the side.

“So soon? My, we’re eag--ah!” He groaned at her tightness enveloping him and growled as he pushed her hips down so he sunk all the way inside.

She cried out, her little scream of pleasure echoing off the cenote walls. “Yes! Fuck, Ben! That’s my cock!”

He grinned wolfishly. “Then ride it like you own it.”

He jerked her bikini cups to the side so he could watch her little tits bounce while she used his body to pleasure herself.

She moved her hands back to his hair and kissed him roughly. “You love this, don’t you? The big bad man in black loves being owned by a scavenger.”

“Of course I do. Who wouldn’t love being owned by such a beautiful, strong, fierce woman?”

They felt each other moving toward completion. Her muscles had begun to tighten and he pulsed inside her.

“Take a breath and hold it,” he instructed her. When she’d done so he pulled them both under and thrust up into her, moving his fingers rapidly over her clit, the breath holding heightening the sensation. They came at once, a burst of bubbles floating above them as they screamed underwater, then floated back to the surface still clinging to one another.

Rey continued to moan softly, tenderly exploring her boyfriend’s mouth as she shivered in pleasure against him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head against his chest.

He rested his chin on her head and murmured, “Force, you’re so sexy. How did I ever get so lucky?”

“Cut!” They heard a voice from the top of the cenote, but when they looked up they saw no one.

Ben and Rey gave each other wide eyes.

“Let’s get outta here. We don’t want to be late for rehearsal and I have a bad feeling about what we’ll find on the interHolonet later.”


	11. My Big Gay StormPilot Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahem. We now interrupt our regularly scheduled spoiler fest to bring you this smutty wedding wholly from the author's imagination. It was begging to be written.

Chapter 11: My Big Gay StormPilot Wedding

Post-rehearsal dinner seemed as though it would be a classy affair. The wine was exquisite, the food was succulent (although when the space lobster was served, Admiral Ackbar let out a startled, “It’s a trap!”), and the company was mostly pleasant and civil. The best women, Rey for Finn and Jess for Poe, each toasted their respective best friends. Then Ben hesitantly stood and dinged his wine glass.

Finn shot Poe an “oh shit” look.

“I won’t take up too much time here, but something crossed my mind earlier and I felt it was important to say. I thought about how I didn’t meet Finn or Poe under the best of circumstances; in fact, I was pretty horrible to both of them. I probably wouldn’t be here if not for their friendship with my girlfriend Rey. And then I thought, you know, if I hadn’t crossed paths with these two on Jakku, I would never have met the love of my life. And if I hadn’t captured Poe, he and Finn would never have met. How amazing is it that life can lead to love in the unlikeliest of circumstances? And how intricately our lives end up intertwined. Finn and Poe, thank you for your part in making me a happier, better man. You’re a beautiful couple who inspire all around you, and I wish you two a long, happy marriage and more children than you can possibly handle.”

By the time Ben sat down Poe had tears in his eyes. Finn was smiling and squeezing Poe’s hand. Rey beamed and kissed her boyfriend’s cheek.

Finn extended a hand to Ben. “You’re a good man, Solo.”

“You too, future-Dameron.” Ben smiled.

Finn smiled back at the mention of the last name he would soon take.

Yes, it was a lovely, calm evening at the StormPilot rehearsal dinner and goodwill was abundant. Until the wine made its way to the Skywalker twins.

“You’re gonna fuck ‘im, aren’t you?” Luke was near to slurring already.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” Leia was hard at work on her second glass. Far enough along she already did not seem to realize her voice was beginning to rise.

“Whadabout Han?”

At that, Han’s ghost appeared. “What? What did I miss?”

“Your wife’s gonna fuck the enemy.”

“Well, how’s that a problem? He’s dead.” She waved her hand through Han. “I gotta dust the cobwebs out every once in a while and this pussy ain’t gonna fuck itself.”

“All right. All right. I get it,” said Han. “I won’t hold it against you. But I have two conditions.”

“I’m listening.” She chugged the rest of her wine.

“I get to watch. As soon as you finish I get to scare the living shit out of him.”

“Done!” shouted Leia, accidentally slamming her glass on the table.

Although thankfully for Hux he’d missed the gist of the conversation, Ben looked like he wanted to crawl under the table.

Poe stood, dinging his own glass. “I have a few words to say myself. General Organa, you’ve been an inspiration to all of us.”

“Don’t do it,” muttered Ben.

“A phenomenal General who led us through the thickest of battles.”

“Attention will only make it worse…” Ben gave Poe the same sideways look he’d given Rey when he told her Han would have disappointed her.

“A toast to a tough lady, a beautiful woman, and one hell of a mission commander!”

Everyone raised their glasses and drank, and a smattering applause coupled with a few utterances of “Here, here!” filled the room.

Leia stumbled up from her chair and lifted her glass toward Poe. “Young man, hic! That was a lovely speech. And may I just say if you weren’t a cock-gobbler I’d do things to you that would make your head spin faster than an X-wing in a nosedive!”

Everyone in the room stared, their mouths agape.

Ben had worked himself beyond embarrassment, having prepared for the fallout of Poe’s speech. He clapped slowly and dryly intoned, “Yay, Mommy.”

Poe rushed toward Leia. “All right, everybody! Let’s give the General another round of applause! Isn’t she funny? Isn’t she a card? All right, General, let’s get you to your room.”

“Want Mama Leia to show you she’s still got it, huh?”

“Oh no need, I believe you. Come on.”

After a moment of stunned silence, Finn stood. “Well, thank you everyone for the lovely rehearsal and for sharing this meal with us. Take your time finishing up and we’ll see you tomorrow at the ceremony.”

***

Half the galaxy was in attendance of the StormPilot wedding. The entire Resistance X-wing squadron. Friends of Luke and Leia from long ago. Supreme Renpress Plasma, who found much fulfillment and happiness in her new position and, unbeknownst to many, simply adored weddings, had declared a temporary truce between the First Order and the Resistance with the stipulation key members of the First Order were invited. Even all the droids and a few Ewoks seemed to be accounted for.

Finn and Poe stood at the altar, gazing into each other’s beautiful brown eyes.

“Poe Dameron, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband in this life and the next?”

“I do.” Poe smiled.

Jess handed him his ring to place on Finn’s hand.

“Finn, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband in this life and the next?”

“Yes. I do.” Finn stood proudly, tears forming in his eyes. He reached for the ring from Rey and placed it on his fiance’s finger.

“Then what the Force has joined let no one put asunder. I now pronounce you partners in life. You may kiss.”

Chewbacca roared in excited approval as Misters Dameron shared a passionate kiss worthy of Coruscant fireworks, Ewok bonfires, and Naboo parades. They smiled at each other, then Poe tossed his helmet backward.

Phasma caught the helmet, her eyes widening, then her mouth opening and forming a smile. She then met eyes with Jess, who turned a dark shade of red, smiled, and looked away.

The procession made its way to the Cantina, which had been blocked off for the wedding reception. The Cantina Band played everyone in with the Cantina Band Song, then led into a slow number so the grooms could lead the first dance.

Poe leaned in and whispered in his husband’s ear. “Finn Dameron, I’m gonna pop that cherry, you dirty boy.”

“Oo baby, you know I saved it just for our wedding night.”

“No more BJs only for this guy.” A wolfish grin spread over Poe’s face as he looked his husband over.

“Just make sure you give as good as you expect to get, hubby,” Finn playfully warned.  
  
After their first dance, the band began playing Lapti Nek. Ben refused to dance to any fast songs, claiming his particular brand of pallor did not lend itself to anything involving rhythm. Rey danced with BB-8 for this number instead, and Ben sat on the sidelines happy for his girlfriend. Leia swayed her hips to the rhythm, and danced up to Luke with a drink in each hand.

“Look at those two! I’ll be damned if they’re not the next pair married!” Leia nodded at Rey and Ben, who were making eye contact and randomly giggling as though sharing a joke no one else could hear.

“May as well. Look at them reading each other’s minds. He never has to play a guessing game about what she really wants and she doesn’t have to worry about him keeping secrets. It’s perfect,” said Luke. He took his drink from Leia.

“Aw, they’re so cute. What do you think the first thought he sent her was?”

Luke gave Leia a side eye. “Well. He is a guy.”

“And?”

“Dick pic, sis. Probably a dick pic.”

“Speaking of dick,” Leia downed her drink and looked over in Hux’s direction. “I think it’s time for me to make my move. I’ve got some cobwebs to knock loose.”

Leia headed off toward Hux, Han’s Force ghost trailing behind with a shit-eating grin on his face.

A familiar man now with gray in his hair approached Luke. “Luke! My man!”

“Lando, old buddy! Good to see you!”

The old smoothie came sidling up with a pair of good looking female twi’leks, one turquoise and one green, on each arm.

Luke and Lando embraced, then Lando pulled back. “Look at you, kid. Fresh as the day we met.”

“You didn’t do too bad for yourself,” said Luke, nodding to each of the twi’leks.

“Tell me something, kid,” said Lando. “How does the current Jedi Order feel about some hanky panky every now and then? My girl here has never had a Jedi master before, and she’s curious.”

Luke was practically drooling on himself. “Fuck rules, let’s go!”

Luke, Lando, and the twi’leks headed off to Lando’s room.

“I said, get your ass on the floor and dance with me, you big gold bitch.”

“Well really, Artoo! I’m an interpreter, not a dancer.”

“BeeBee doesn’t have a problem. You gonna let yourself get out danced by that ball of cuteness?”

“If BB-8 is a better dancer than myself, I shall be neither surprised nor disappointed. Dancing is not part of my programming.”

A First Order droid walked by the pair, almost knocking them over, and sniped, “Echuta.”

“How rude!” Said Threepio.

“The fuck you say to me, dickweed?” beeped Artoo.

The First Order droid turned, ready to knock Artoo over, but Artoo swiftly extended his shocking arm and gave the droid a jolt large enough to send his circuits into overload.

“Oh my, Artoo! Don’t you think that was an overreaction?!”

Artoo didn’t miss a beat. He turned to Threepio with his arm still extended. “I dunno. Don’t you think you should get on that floor and dance with me, Goldenrod?”

“Oh how do I always find myself in these messes?” Threepio moaned on the dance floor while Artoo happily beeped and whistled while he danced with his bitch.

Plasma sidled up to Jess, her new shining black uniform polished and her cape flowing behind her. Her helmet was removed so her neatly cropped blond hair and professionally done make-up were shown off. “So, you’re a pilot?”

“Yeah,” said Jess, holding back an embarrassed giggle. “But that’s nothing compared to the Supreme Renpress of the Galaxy.”

“Oh? I always found pilots sexy myself. Especially pretty ones like you.”

After a bit more chit chat, Phasma and Jess linked arms and made their way back to Phasma’s room.

“Waaarragh,” said Chewie.

“Well boyfriend, are you all talk or are you gonna show me?” asked Maz.

“Chewie barked and they headed off to Maz’s room.

The two passed BB-8 who was beeping smoothly to the group of bikini girls Luke had been eyeing the day before and showing off several of his gadgets, one of which Maz thought she saw vibrate. Chewie gave him a thumbs up and BB-8 extended the same gesture with his lighter.

Rey took Ben’s hand and led him to their suite, their hands roaming over each other’s bodies all the way there.

***

Rey pressed her hands against the shower wall, moaning at the hot water that poured over her sensitive skin. She sighed at the feel of Ben tenderly washing her back and ass, his erection rubbing between her cheeks.

He nipped and kissed down her neck to her shoulder, placing the loofah on a hook and interlacing his fingers through hers. He rubbed his dick against her slick folds. “I’ve been waiting for this all day,” he husked into her ear.

She moaned and arched her back, exposing herself more and putting more distance between her legs.

“Oh fuck, sweetheart.” He snaked a hand around her waist and cupped a breast, pulling her closer to him. “You want this cock so bad, don’t you?”

“Yes, yes!” She turned her head and locked eyes with him, wet hair tangled around her face. “How bad do you want this pussy?”

“So bad,” he groaned. “I want to take it right now. Would you like that, you dirty girl?”

“Yes Ben, please fuck me!”

He slid into her, taking her at once, him grunting at her exquisite tightness and her crying out at his intense fullness. He put both hands on her hips as he drove relentlessly into her, savoring her gasps, shrieks, and moans.

“Yes! Oh Yes! Fuck, Ben! Harder! Mph!” She bit her lip and rolled her eyes back into her head.

“You’ve gotta see this,” he growled and jerked the curtain open leading her out of the shower. He tore the bathroom door open to let the steam out and hurriedly wiped down the fogged up mirror.

Rey clutched the bathroom counter, shrieking with ecstasy.

“Step onto it,” he ordered, helping her up to squat on the counter facing the mirror. “Look how fucking hot you are.”

She trailed her own hands over her breasts, down her taut belly, and down to touch her clit.

“That’s right, you sexy bitch, play with yourself.”

“Ben!” She gasped, scandalized.

“What would you rather I said?” he gasped out and drove into her slick cunt once more. “Future Mrs. Organa Solo? Future mother of my children?”

“Yes! Yes!” cried Rey, her bucking hips and flailing hands sending toiletries flying off the counter.

“You want me to wrap my arms around your pregnant belly and fuck you until you cum?”

“Yes, more!”

“Fill you with my cum until you’re fat with our baby?”

“Oh Force yes, that’s it, right there!”

He moved a hand to help her rub herself furiously while he drove into her and sucked her neck.

“Yes Ben! Almost! Ah--Ah!” She came loudly, gushing all over his thick cock, which sent him over the edge in turn.

“Fuck, Rey!” He groaned and shot hotly inside her.

They panted there, him hunching over her, wrapping his arms around her waist, then sweeping her up in a bridal carry and kissing her deeply all the way to their plush bed.

“Someday,” he whispered as they drifted off, their fingers intertwined. “Someday soon.”

She smiled and fluttered her lashes against his cheek.

***

“Hey, check it out! Free Skin-emax!”

Several of the couples reached the conclusion at once, and decided to add some liveliness to their play.

“Oo, Space Bear, that sounds right up our alley, babe,” said Finn.

The couples queued up the movie in each of their rooms.

“A long time ago… Oh Force, please tell me there’s not some complex plot with this thing,” said Leia.

“Star Wars Episode VIII: Space Bear? Damn, is there a whole movie to get through before the good stuff?” said Luke.

“Blah blah blah with the words, let’s make this thing happen,” said Maz.

“Oh wow, look at the locale. This is some high quality soft-core,” said Jess.

“Nice underwater shot. Wait a minute…” Lando frowned. “Is that--?”

“Look at the size of that thing!” gasped Poe.

“Size matters not.” Force ghost Yoda popped in.

“That’s mah boy!” shouted Han, scaring the bejeezes out of Hux.

“Oh criminey, I need another drink…” said Leia.

“At that speed, do you think he’ll be able to pull out in time?” beeped BB-8.

“He’s got it jammed in there real good,” said Luke.

“Think he’ll go in through the south entrance?” asked Artoo.

“He must’ve hit pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that,” said Maz.

As movie Rey and Ben reached their climaxes, Han shouted, “Great shot kid, that was one in a million!”

All the couples sat in bed, jaws lower than Leia’s tits, as the credits rolled.

Directed by Rian Johnson


	12. It's Always Sunny in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia uses the Force. Rey gets a glimpse of Ben's childhood.
> 
> Satire and current event social commentary.
> 
> Trigger warning: Brief mention of sexual assault as a news reference.

Chapter 12: It's Always Sunny in a Galaxy Far, Far Away.

 

“Oh Ben, oh yes, right there…” Rey bit her lower lip and moaned. She clutched at a fist full of his dark curls and guided him exactly where she needed him.

 

He glanced up at her, grinning against her wet pussy as he worked two long fingers inside her and lapped at her clit. He began to harden again at the image she sent him, a fantasy of two of him driving into her, one in her tight cunt and the other…

 

He stopped for a moment and looked up in awe. “Oh sweetheart, you are so naughty…”

 

“Shush!” She pushed his face back down into her pussy and panted. “Don’t stop!”

 

He moaned at her aggressiveness and drove his fingers harder, feeling her begin to spasm.

 

She pulled him tight against her and squeezed his head with her legs, her muscles tightening around his fingers as she came in wave after wave, drenching his face.

 

He stayed to lap at her wetness while she trembled and shivered beneath him, then slid slowly up her body to let her taste herself on his mouth.

 

She sucked his tongue and lips, then locked the wet places on his face until he was clean. He looked feral above her but she sent her need for recovery through their bond.

 

He kissed her again deeply, then nuzzled into her neck and wrapped his arms around her. He could be patient if he must.

 

“You’ll never believe what your mother gave me,” said Rey.

 

“Do tell.”

 

“Childhood recordings starring a one Benjamin Chewbacca Skywalker Organa Solo.” She grinned.

 

He groaned. “Must we?”

 

“Yes! I want to know what our future babies will look like!”

 

“You know I don't have the fondest of childhood memories right?”

 

“Oh… I'm sure your family was a hoot.”

 

He cut her a look. “Yeah, that's one word for it.”

 

“Oh pretty pleeeease, Ben… With my pussy on top afterward?”

 

He groaned. “Oh all right. But don't say I didn't warn you.”

 

She excitedly turned the holocron on and watched, rapt, as a dive bar filled the screen and a time stamp appeared.

 

_ 9:39am, on a Monday. _

 

Some younger, familiar faces came into view and began speaking.

 

“But what if our daughter is in the bathroom with one of ‘em? What then?”

 

“We don’t even have a daughter.”

 

“Okay, so son. What if Ben is in the bathroom and some, some man-lady shakes his-her dingle dangle at him? Huh? What then?”

 

“‘Dingle dangle?’ Oh Han, that’s just absurd. Do you even hear yourself?”

 

“I hear myself perfectly clearly, sweetheart. The question stands. What if some pervert who’s just looking to use the opposite gender bathroom takes advantage of this situation?”

 

Luke scrunched his face and took a drink from his mug. “See, those are two completely different questions. I mean, I hate to agree with her, but Leia’s right. You’re talking apples and oranges here.”

 

“I’m not talking apples and oranges, kid. I’m talking perverts in the bathroom. That’s what I’m talking.”

 

“No, you’re really not,” said Luke.

 

“Why would a transgender man in the men’s bathroom wave his ‘dingle dangle’,” Leia made air  quotations with her hands then took a swig from her bottle. “In Ben’s face? Heterosexual attraction accounting for ninety percent of the population, wouldn’t a transgendered person be more likely to display opposite gender attraction post-surgery?”

 

“No no no, leave all that behind, sis. Apples and oranges. Attraction does not equal perversion.”

 

“Well, I’m not swayed.” Han slammed his beer on the counter. “From now on Chewie and me should crotch check everyone who comes into this cantina and send ‘em to the correct bathroom.”

 

Chewbacca looked unconvinced but agreed with his best friend.

 

“I have to agree with that,” Anakin’s Force ghost piped in. “Back in my day--”

 

“Oh really, Dad? Is this the same day that approved of Force choking pregnant Mom and becoming the scourge of the Galaxy?”

 

“Yeah, I’m not on board with this at all,” said Luke, taking a swig. “I say we make both bathrooms completely gender neutral and eliminate the issue altogether.”

 

“Oh fuck no,” Leia protested. “I am not using the same restroom a man has been in. Have you seen our men's restroom? It's a war zone.”

 

“See! See!” Han jumped in. “You don't want men in the bathroom with you either.”

 

“Oh that is not remotely the same thing,” scoffed Leia. “I would trust a transgendered woman to leave the restroom in the same state I do, better than I found it.”

 

“Wait a minute. I happen to find it a bit sexist to assume all men would destroy the bathroom,” piped in Luke.

 

“Yeah… Yeah!” Han pointed at Leia. “That is pretty sexist. You want equality for minority groups but you're being sexist against my gender!”

 

Leia rolled her eyes. “Chewie, would you do me a favor? Open the women's restroom door please.”

 

Chewie obliged. Inside was a sparkling, pristine room with space flower paintings hanging on pastel colored walls and toiletries neatly stacked on the counter. The toilet shined.

 

“And now the men's please,” said Leia.

 

Chewie moaned in dread, then slowly creaked open the door. Space flies immediately bolted from the room. A picture of a space dog playing sabaac hung by one corner to the wall. A mess of putrid looking substances smeared the floor, walls, and countertop, and the toilet looked to have overflowed without anyone stopping it.

 

“Artoo, clean that bathroom,” ordered Han.

 

“I don’t fucking do Threepio work,” Artoo beeped and rolled off.

 

“What did he say?”

 

“Ask Threepio to do it,” Luke translated. 

 

“Hey goldenrod, clean the men's shitter,” barked Han.

 

“Oh dear!” Threepio scurried off for some rubber gloves and sanitizing fluid. “It's a nightmare!”

 

“Listen, let’s handle this like civil business owners. We’ll just ask our customers what their preference is.”

 

“Customers don’t really know what they want until you give it to them,” argued Han.

 

“Oh what a lazy excuse…” Leia rolled her eyes. 

 

“In breaking galactic news, a young college student on a swim scholarship was tried and found guilty of the sexual assault of a fellow classmate who was intoxicated at the time, and sentenced to 6 months in prison. He may be allowed to serve only 3 months for good behavior.”

 

The gang stared at the holoTV screen, their mouths ajar.

 

Finally, Han broke the silence. “I don’t--”

 

“I’m just not worried about--”

 

“What a horrifying little pric--”

 

“Waaaaarrrraaahh!”

 

“Beep beep bop boop!”

 

“Oh my! Well, I must say--!”

 

“--don’t think transgendered people are who we have to worry about in the bathrooms with our kids,” finished Han.

 

Toddler Ben Solo looked up at everyone in the bar and babbled. Elevator music began to play as the title “It's Always Sunny in a Galaxy Far, Far Away: The OT Gang Tackles the Public Restroom Issue” appeared.

 

Ben turned the holocron off.

 

Rey sat stunned for a few moments then patted her boyfriend’s thigh. “I see what you mean. But oh, you were such a cute little boy with those ears!”

 

***

 

“Well, we've got to tell them,” said Leia. “Bartender!”

 

“I dunno, sis. Maybe it's best just to hope they don't find out.”

 

“Well, of course they'll find out. It's an entire freaking porno. And you remember what happened the last time I tried to keep a secret from my son? Force, what is keeping that bartender?”

 

Luke gave her a look worthy of an Office slow pan. “Yeah. Kinda hard to forget my Temple burning to the ground.”

 

“Okay. So we're agreed. One of us has to break the news to them before they find it themselves. Oh I could just kill that Rian Johnson so-and-so!”

 

“Yeah, well. Jeez, where are our drinks already? Seriously.”

 

“Oh that's it, I'll just do it myself,” Leia huffed. “Wingardium Leviosa!”

 

Two beers floated toward the twins.

 

“Leia. You… You used the Force.”

 

“Yep,” she said, popping the tab off her beer and taking a swig.

 

“Where did you? Have you had training?”

 

She waved him away. “Oh I've just been reading some books and picked up a few tricks. No biggie.”

 

The twins drank in silence a long moment before Leia finally spoke up again.

 

“So… it would be too embarrassing for him for his mother to tell him he's in the galaxy's most popular porn, right Uncle Luke?”

  
Luke scowled and muttered, “...too old for this shit.”


	13. The Return of Kylo Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke breaks the news to Ben.
> 
> Starts cracky and fun; gets a little dark toward the end. (But let's be honest, the guy who meets a nasty end has it coming.)

**Chapter 13: The Return of Kylo Ren**

“I have shomething to tell you, Ben,” Luke rehearsed. “You're in an adult holo. I have shomething to-- hic!-- tell you, Ben… Hoo boy.”

“Tell me what?”

Luke's eyes widened. He turned to his nephew and steeled himself. “Have a sheat.”

“Maker, Uncle, have you been drinking already? It’s 8am.”

“Posshibly.”

“Oh Force.” Ben rolled his eyes. “Well, what now? Why did I get called out of my girlfriend’s warm bed at 8am?”

“Force, I just… How can I put this?” Luke took a drink. “You remember Uncle Itchy’s weird shinging --Hic!-- adult holo your dad caught you beating off to when we went to visit Uncle Chewie's family that one Life Day?”

Ben groaned in chagrin. “Yes?”

“Well, it's sort of like that, but without singing.”

Ben raised a brow. His tone was flat. “Go on…”

Luke took a deep breath. “YouandReyareinthemostpopularporninthegalaxypleasedontshootthemessenger--hic!”

Ben's face remained still, but an almost imperceptible tic affected his left eye. A familiar fire began to smoulder behind both. “WHAT. PORN.”

***

Rian startled awake to a loud clank and jerked, finding himself restrained. The room was dark, but he could make out what looked like a wall full of fuzzy handcuffs, a riding crop, and various other sex toys. A masked man towered over him.

“Comfortable?” Kylo Ren asked.

“Woah there. What's going on?”

The masked man deeply intoned, “I’ll ask the questions. You know, usually I use this room for role playing with my girlfriend. But you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?”

“What?”

“Riddle me this, Mr. Johnson. Why are the future Mrs. Organa Solo's tits being broadcast across the galaxy without her knowledge or permission?”

“Why are-- what?”

“Did I stutter? Why. Are. My. Girlfriend’s. Boobs. On. The. InterHoloNet. Without. Her. Permission.” The modulator crackled Ren’s palpable anger.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! My people got signatures from you and Rey months ago! The deal was to film you without disturbance that way it was more natural for the screen, you know this.”

Ren towered just above him, so close the director could feel the breath coming from his mask. “And yet I signed nothing. Neither did Rey.”

“We never could get a hold of you directly, so Lieutenant Hux bridged the gap for us.”

“WHAT.”

“You know - your ginger pal. Hux told us he was able to get the signatures, got a notary and everything.”

Ren reached his hand toward Rian’s face, gently probing without resistance from the director. It took only a few moments before he knew: Johnson was telling the truth.

Ren’s harried breathing became audible. Anger seethed from him. Rian’s restraints clicked open. Ren’s voice rose an octave. “You can go now--”

Rian Johnson barely had a chance to scramble out of the Falcon’s kink room before the masked man ignited his lightsaber. On his way out he looked over his shoulder and saw red sparks flying from the room and heard crashes, bangs, and all manner of destructive noises.

“RRRAAAAAAAAGHHH! HUUUUUUUUX! GRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!”

***

Nervous whispers filled the corridors of Starkiller Base 2.

“He’s back.”

“Who?”

“The Supreme Renperor.”

“Kylo Ren? I thought he was a myth.”

“What about Supreme Renpress Phasma?”

“He’s not after her at all. He’s after someone called Hux.”

“The Lieutenant? Who got demoted from General?”

“Ugh. That brown noser.”

“The one who’s fucking Princess Leia?”

“Yeah, that guy.”

“Isn’t that the Fallen Jedi’s mom?”

“Ben Solo?”

“Ben Organa Solo.”

“Wait. Isn’t that the same guy as Kylo Ren?”

The group of stormtroopers stared at each other for many long, silent seconds.

“Oh. Shit.”

***

“HUX!”

The red-headed Officer turned.

“Ren. The prodigal son has returned. Trouble in paradise?” He sneered.

“Hardly.”

All eyes were on the two men as they faced each other in a dark corridor. A tumble weed rolled past them.

“This battle station isn’t big enough for the two of us.”

“It never was.”

“So just what are you here for, Ren? To strip me of more rank? You have no power here,” the man spat.

“I’m here for my future wife’s honor.”

“Ren... You know, in spite of our differences I’ve always respected your considerable talent. Now look at you. The most powerful Dark Side Force user in the Galaxy wrapped around the finger of a Jedi slut.”

Ren Force Dragged Hux into a choke hold, his eyes level with the demoted Officer’s. “I told you what would happen if you ever spoke about Rey in that manner again.”

“Yeeesss,” Hux almost smiled as he rasped. “I have something to show you, Ren. A parting gift from me to you, so you’ll always know in the end I won.”

Ren harshly invaded Hux’s mind with the probe, slamming his head back as he rushed for the thoughts that caused a Grinch-like grin to spread over the Nazi’s face. It was Hux in the throes of passion with--

Using the Force, Ren twisted Hux’s neck until it cracked and Hux dropped to the deck in a limp, lifeless heap.

The surrounding crowd gasped then slowly backed away. A chorus of male voices began to eerily hum Ren’s leitmotif.

It had been months since Kylo Ren had killed. He had almost forgotten the rush he got from the ultimate release of rage associated with the Dark Side. The satisfaction of enacted vengeance thrummed in his veins, his blood pumping, his chest hot. A feral lust rose and a hunger for a different kind of satisfaction gnawed incessantly at his loins. He turned on his heel, lighting his phallic red saber, and stalked menacingly toward his ship. To home. To his female.

***

A familiar presence hummed in Rey’s senses, rousing her awake. She stretched and yawned, nude beneath the sheets. She blinked slowly, her eyes adjusting to the lamp light from the darkness of night. She smiled and greeted her boyfriend. “Back, honey? I missed you these past couple of days, but I kept the bed war-- yaaaaaawn!”

“You know what I’ve come for,” the modulator warbled his voice. He grabbed a breast roughly.

“Oo! But I thought you didn’t like the mask any more.” She giggled and arched into his hand. “Am I your helpless little scavenger, my big bad creatcha in a mask?”

He paused, then unlocked the mask, removing it as he stood up to his full height and puffed out his chest. His erection threatened to burst from his tight black pants. His eyes glowed yellow and orange.

“Oh Ben -- what?” she gasped.

He was on top of her in seconds, straddling her helplessly beneath his powerful legs, his hard on pushing against her nude belly. He pinned both wrists above her head with one gloved hand and caught her chin in the other.

He growled, “Wrong, sweetheart. You’re with Kylo Ren tonight, and he’s a jealous lover.”

Then he forcefully captured her mouth with his, shoving his tongue roughly inside, swallowing her shocked whimper.

_End of Part I._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter in this fiction. Thank you to all who've left comments - your love has meant a lot! I'll be taking a break for a bit, then back to write Part II soon.
> 
> Much love,  
> Felix


	14. 2017 Special Edition: DinnerGATE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Spoilers Awaken: Special Edition! Now featuring 5 BRAND NEW GATES from the 40th Anniversary of Star Wars!

Bonus Scene 1: DinnerGate

 

“I won’t do it.” 

 

“Yes! Rian said you should!”

 

“I don’t care if Rian said I should.”

 

“Why not? You and I have dinner together.”

 

“Yes. Because we are a sexual, romantic, and spiritual match made by the Force.”

 

“Don't say 'romantic' - it gives fanboys cooties. And it’s their _wedding_ rehearsal! You have to be there!”

 

“Not if  _ he _ is there, I don’t.”

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “I blew you in the man’s hut -- right in front of him! And you can’t sit down to dinner with him now?”

 

Ben scowled. “The last time I sat down to dinner with my uncle he got piss drunk and unceremoniously spilled the beans to the rest of the acolytes we were Vader lineage, then knocked over a candelabra that ended up burning his entire Space Bible Camp to the ground because he was too drunk to help me fight the little assholes off! I barely escaped with my life! Now, it’s not happening and that’s final!”

 

She grabbed her boyfriend by the bulge, accentuated by his new pleather pants, and whispered in his ear, “I would be honored if you would join us for dinner. Either you break bread with your uncle at Finn and Poe’s rehearsal dinner this evening or you can finish what I just started while I am at dinner. Alone.”

 

Ben Solo groaned, then glared at his girlfriend as he swatted her hand away and put on his most dashing Vader-esque cape. “This deal is getting worse all the time,” he grumbled. He prayed she wouldn’t alter it any further.


	15. 2017 Special Edition: HugGATE

Bonus Scene 2: HugGATE

 

“Just be nice to him please.”

 

“Excuse me? You were tortured and I had to walk around in a fucking astronaut suit for a month after Starkiller. Ima get that little shithead back.”

 

“Honey. He’s Rey’s boyfriend now. And he’s turned over a new leaf. Don’t do anything violent or stupid.”

 

Finn paused, lost in thought for a moment. “Rey said he hates people he doesn’t know very well up in his space bubble.”

 

Poe sighed. “Please don’t embarrass me.”

 

“Don’t worry; I’ll play it natural.”

 

“Oh my gods.” Poe shook his head and took off to find Leia. He was sure she was carrying a flask he could share.

 

Finn caught sight of Ben abandoned by Rey at the buffet. Ben was nervously eyeing the rehearsal party, and seemed to be keeping a distinct watch on his uncle. A grin played at Finn’s lips as he sauntered up to his best friend’s boytoy.

 

“Ben! You old pirate!”

 

Ben’s eyes widened and his lip curled as Finn caught him in a tight hug and squeezed.

 

“What are you-- I don’t like to be--!”

 

Finn murmured, “Oh no! Your girl’s watching! Better not kill her best friend or you won’t get a crack at that sweet, sweet pussy tonight.”

 

“What is wrong with you?!” Ben loud-whispered. He was squirming and sweating. “I said I was sorry!”

 

“You sliced my damn spice, twinkle toes. You can handle a hug. Oh look - she’s so happy to see us getting along so well. Better wave back to her!”

 

“I hate you,” Ben growled as he grimaced and waved at his beaming girlfriend.

 

Finn grinned wickedly. “I know.”


	16. 2017 Special Edition: PlotGate

Ben came from the fresher, cold water still dripping from his face as he recovered from the dreaded hug. As he scanned the crowd for Rey he noticed Rian, who was dressed, well, a little strangely, even by Milky Way standards. Their director walked calmly to the banquet table, a brown satchel resting to one side of his tan slacks, white shirt open, and a brown fedora sitting atop his head.

“What in the galaxy is he dressed as?” Ben muttered.

Han's ghost appeared. “I like it.”

Ben gave him a look. “Oh you would.”

The dinner itself was pleasant. Well, except for the part where drunk Leia hit on one of the grooms. That was awkward, but Ben had prepped himself for that eventuality.

As the guests slowly stood and prepared to retire to their respective rooms, they conversed.

“But you know what,” drunk Uncle Luke began loudly. “Even waiting on Ahch-To I always knew this story would turn out just fine. After all, Rian is a master storyteller who knows how to build on the master plan.”

Rian spoke up. “Plan?”

“Well. Yeah,” said Rey. “You know, the sequel trilogy plot? That JJ laid the foundation for in The Force Awakens and you're continuing now?”

Rian laughed. “Oh come on, I'm just making this up as I go.” 

He cracked a whip at his side, intending to punctuate his punchline. But all he was met with were wide eyes and space crickets.

At once, the entire cast bolted for the door.

“PABLO!!!”


	17. 2017 Special Edition: RomanceGATE

“PABLO!!!”

 

The Loremaster blinked and looked up from his iPhone, then rolled his eyes. “Oh what fucking now?”

 

The cast of characters descended upon him like a swarm of mosquitos, all buzzing in a cacophonous chorus.

 

“PISTOLE!” he shouted. “Pistole.”

 

The crowd shushed.

 

“Okay listen, before you barrage me with questions, let’s get some housekeeping done. 1. I can’t and won’t tell you story direction. 2. I don’t know how big anyone’s wiener is--”

 

Phasma began to protest.

 

“NO! I don’t know how big the dicks are and besides those of you who’ve produced children, I don’t know who’s a virgin because it’s none of my fucking business.”

 

The crowd collectively grumbled.

 

“Now. What is it this time?”

 

Lando stepped forward. “You need to reign your director in, man.”

 

Pablo sighed. “What exactly is the problem?”

 

“There’s no fucking plot?” Finn practically shouted.

 

“You KILLED ME without a fucking exit strategy?!” Han’s ghost was indignant.

 

Artoo beeped rudely.

 

“I almost hate to say it, but I quite agree, Artoo. The odds of this trilogy providing a satisfying story without prior planning are seven thousand two hundred twenty seven to one!”

 

Chewie roared.

 

Pablo frowned. “No plot? Like no basic outline? Wait, who said this?”

 

Just then Rian Johnson came ambling out of the hotel toward the beach. The cast turned and glared.

 

Pablo sighed again. “Okay listen, we give the directors a lot of leeway. But there IS a basic outline and his story DOES have to make sense with what has come before.”

 

The crowd exhaled a collective sigh of relief.

 

“Now,” said Pablo. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

 

“Whew,” said Finn. “I was worried they wouldn’t capitalize on what was hinted at in The Force Awakens. Especially with, you know, the wedding and all.”

 

A reporter piped up from the crowd. “Oh there’s no romance. Rian said so. All those shippers are gonna have to dial back those expectations because THERE’S NO ROMANCE. SORRY GIIIIIIRRRRRRRLLLLLS.”

 

“Now hang on a second!” Rian piped up. “I did not say that. I said there’s no Empire Strikes Back type of Han and Leia romance. As far as romance in general, well, we’ll see.” He gave a little wink.

 

At that exact moment, Poe stumbled out of the hotel with his arm around Leia. “I just-- I just don’t think it’s such a good--”

 

“Shuddup, Poe! Space mama wants a midnight walk on the beach, space mama gets a midnight walk on the-- hiccup!”

 

“But whaddif we get caught? Huh? What will people think if we’re out here, just two tens, a general and her ace pilot, out walking on the beach at night? Alone?”

 

Leia hiccuped. “I’m an eleven, Poe. But contin--”

 

Poe and Leia realized all eyes were on them. And then those eyes transferred to Rian. And they were not happy eyes.

 

“That’s not what I-- eh, fuck it.” Rian tromped back to the hotel.

 

Han’s ghost looked at his best friend. “Chewie, we’re screwed.”


End file.
